Acquisition

See Also: 'Acquisition' Episode Guide

Archer: Hi, I�m Jon Archer. The author of this bizarre series of parodies, currently using me as a mouthpiece, would like to apologize sincerely for making you wait... how long was it?
Mayweather: Seven weeks, sir.
Archer: Aye caramba on a stick! Anyway, to explain our plan for the seven missed episodes, here�s a frothing-mad ape.
General Thade: KILL THEM ALL!
Archer: Thank you, General. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the author plans to kill his backlog all at once, so you�ll be seeing at least one new fiver per day until they�re all done. And to capitalize on the male 19-35 demographic, there�ll be plenty of Hoshi Sato.
Mayweather: Um, Captain, about Hoshi... remember how she left last week to find work in another franchise?
Archer: What, you mean she hasn�t come back yet?
Mayweather: Last we heard, she was trying for a cameo in Attack of the Clones.
Archer: Shoot. Guess all you young bucks will have to be content with explosions instead.
Mayweather: And then there are our FX budget cuts....
Archer: Be quiet, Travis.

Grish: Good news, fellow stooges: we�ve located Enterprise.
Ulis: Yarrrrr, mateys... thar be our prey. Plunder ahoy!
Muk: Ahem.
Ulis: What? I�m just trying to do a little metaphor. You know... pirates, Ferengi....
Muk: You�re pathetic.

Reed: Hey look, a cute cloud of gas.
Archer: �Cute�?
Reed: Yeah -- it�s a real knockout! HA HA HA HA HA! Ow.
T�Pol: You could have just waited for the gas to get him, sir.
Archer: Time was of the essence.

Muk: Looks like the gas worked. Now what?
Ulis: We�ll just come aboard, steal what we can, and shanshu in plrtz glrb.
Muk: Huh?
Ulis: V�z whfg fcrnxvat Sreratv.
Grish: Oh great, he�s speaking Ferengi. Now the rest of us will have to.
Krem: Guvf unf �cybg qrivpr� jevggra nyy bire vg.
Grish: You said it, man.

Tucker: Hello? I�ve been in decon for 96 hours now. Why hasn�t anyone let me out?
Computer: Because nobody likes you.
Tucker: I�m tired of your putdowns. Get this door open.
Computer: I�m afraid I can�t do that, Charles.
Tucker: Shoot. Good thing I have the Hammer of Crushing in my pocket here....

Tucker: Yikes! They�re stealing our stuff and rounding up the babes! I�d better eavesdrop.
Grish: Jr�er bar srznyr fubeg. Jurer�f Fngb?
Muk: Trg onpx gb jbex, lbh ohz.
Tucker: Hmm... there seems to be a translation problem here. Tucker to Hoshi: good news. You�re actually needed for once.
Sato: (over the comm) Can this wait? It�s a really really bad time.
Tucker: Bad time? What are you--
Baron Harkonnen: (over the comm) There! That�s the woman who was translating for House Atreides! Sardaukar: DESTROY!
Sato: Look, Trip, can I call you back?

Muk: Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, lbh unir gbb zhpu fcner gvzr... oh, screw it! I�m switching back before we all drown in illegibility.
Grish: You know, the boss isn�t gonna like FOR GOD�S SAKE PUT THAT BOOT BACK ON! Nobody needs to see that! Curse my Ferengi eyes....

Archer: Yawwwwn... that was a nice nap. Lots of dreams about Orion slave girls in stylish but conservative business suits. Hey, who are you?
Ulis: Your captor. I was planning to grill you for information, but you�ve already provided more than anyone ever needed to know.
Archer: Gimme a break about that, okay? I�d only been awake for three seconds.
Ulis: Fine, we�ll try the grilling. Where�s your vault?
Archer: You mean the one where I keep my cache of Andorian sewing magazines?
Ulis: This interrogation is over.

Krem: Hi, I�m Krem. Please convert me.
Archer: To molten slag?
Krem: Yes. Wait, no. I mean convert me to your cause, thus helping me elevate myself above my status as a loser.
Archer: Buddy, I couldn�t elevate you above that if I had platform shoes and a jetpack.

Tucker: Hi Jon. How�re you doing?
Archer: Obviously better than you. I knew you had gambling debts, but I didn�t think they were this bad.
Tucker: No no, I didn�t sell my clothes.
Archer: You just gave them away? That�s pretty shortsighted, Trip.
Tucker: You know, I came here so we could come up with a plan, but now I think I�ll just make the plan myself and tell you what it is.
Archer: It�s probably safer not even to tell me.

Tucker: Pssst. T�Pol, wake up.
T�Pol: Yawwwwn... that was a nice nap. Lots of dreams about dashing Orion men taking logic classes.
Tucker: I�m not touching that. Just feign unconsciousness when Archer comes in, okay?
T�Pol: No problem -- that�s a conversation-avoidance strategy I�ve often considered.

Krem: ....and this is the room where we�re keeping all your female crewmembers.
Archer: That one�s a man.
Krem: Yeah. We couldn�t find your translator, so we made a substitution.
Archer: I really don�t think Malcolm is going to appreciate that.
Krem: He will after the operation.

Tucker: Now to pick some random crewman and strip him.
Computer: I knew it! I knew it!
Tucker: Sorry, it�s just to get a uniform. And when this is all over, I�m gonna have a little talk with whoever installed your slash subroutine.

Sato: ....and I think my record with extra-terrestrials speaks for itself.
John Doggett: I�m not gonna say it again, lady -- we aren�t hiring. The show is over.
Sato: But there�s a movie coming! Can�t I be the valiant FBI translator who paves the way to communication with aliens?
Doggett: You�ve got a wire crossed there. We don�t talk to aliens, we kill them.
Sato: I can do that too! Won�t you at least think about it?
Monica Reyes: John, we don�t have time for this. We have to hunt down the faceless black-oil alien super-soldier virus hybrid slave race.
Doggett: Sorry, ma�am. Duty calls.

Grish: Well, here we are in Sickbay. Anybody sick?
Muk: I�m sick of you. Does that count?
Grish: Aw, your mother wears army boots.
Muk: Yeah? Yours wears even more clothes!
Ulis: Stop, you fools! If we start fighting among ourselves, we�re playing right into their hands!
Grish: Yeah... yeah, I guess you�re right.
Ulis: Besides, both your mothers wear clothes.
Grish and Muk: You�re going down!

Computer: Welcome to the bridge. Please enjoy a complimentary orange pekoe.
T�Pol: Thanks. Think you could emit some sort of ear-piercing noise below decks to anger the intruders?
Computer: No problem. I�m queueing a Mandy Moore single as we speak.
T�Pol: That�ll bug Trip too. Bonus. So how are you two getting along lately?
Computer: He threatened to delete my slash subroutine!
T�Pol: Don�t worry about that. He�ll never get past all the security blocks I set up.

Archer: Let�s make a deal, Krem.
Krem: That�s �Krem, FCA,� thank you.
Archer: Whatever. How �bout this: you help me beat your comrades, and I give you lots of nothing.
Krem: A generous offer, but --
Archer: And if you act now, I�ll triple the amount of nothing you get.
Krem: SOLD!

Muk: I think this guy�s sentient. Let�s hear what he has to say.
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff RUFF ruff!
Grish: According to the translator, he�s claiming to be the Grand Nagus.
Ulis: Blasphemy! Put him to death!
Porthos: RUFF! Grrrrrr....
Grish: Now he�s threatening to cancel our credit lines.
Ulis: Perhaps I was too hasty. Put him in a box for now.
Porthos: Ruff!
Ulis: A box with air holes.
Porthos: Ruff!
Ulis: And a jacuzzi.

Tucker: The time has come to strike! Defend yourself, big-ears!
Muk: Hey, you�re a female?
Tucker: No... what makes you say that?
Muk: Well, you�re not wearing any clothes.
Tucker: I�m not? Shoot! I knew there was something I forgot to do after stripping that guy.
Muk: I doubt this conversation could get more disturbing, but just in case it does, we�d better zap you. Ulis?
Ulis: Yeah, yeah, hang on a sec. I�m having trouble with my whip.
Muk: That�s not your whip. While we were in sickbay, Grish and I traded it for a giant electric eel.
Ulis: Oh. How do I use it?
Muk: I think you have to cram one end up each of his nostrils or something.
Tucker: Looks like the conversation can get more disturbing after all.
Muk: Quiet, you.

Grish: Last time, you two. Where is the vault?
Tucker: You mean the one where I keep my cache of Japanese punk rock albums?
Archer: They mean the gold vault, Trip. You know, the one in the Jeffries tubes through the left-hand door at junction C12 and zip code 42831.
Tucker: You traitor! You just gave them the location!
Archer: You�re the traitor! They wouldn�t have noticed if you hadn�t pointed it out!
Tucker: That does it! Throw down, punk!
Ulis: All right, break up the staged fight. We�ll go find the vault now. Krem, stay with Archer and guard him or something.
Archer: "Or something"?
Ulis: I like to give my men a little latitude.

Tucker: Okay, left at this intersection....
Muk: Again? This is our eightieth consecutive left turn!
Ulis: Oh, Muk, don�t be so paranoid. He knows what he�s doing.

Krem: I�ve made my choice. I�ll help Archer betray the others and -- hey, what are you doing awake?
T�Pol: Offering you some oo-mox. Come closer.
Krem: How do I know you won�t nerve-pinch me?
T�Pol: Oh, I won�t. I�ll be too busy biting your neck and drinking your blood.
Krem: I�m going to have to slay you, aren�t I?

Sato: For the last time, no! If I were a vampire, wouldn�t I have eaten you by now?
Xander: Don�t be so sure, sister. I bet I could give you a mighty fine butt-whuppin�.
Sato: Oh, please.
Xander: Seriously! I�ve staked enough vamps to fill a whole box of ashtrays. In fact -- when they see me, they flee in terror.
Spike: That�s �cause they can see who you�re hiding behind.
Xander: Okay, you know what, Spike? Shut the --
Spike: Don�t mind him, missy. Blighter doesn�t know a good deal when he sees it. Now what sort of work might you be looking for with us?
Sato: Oh, anything with a decent starting salary would be fine....
Spike: Um... salary. We don�t make heaps of money in this line of work.
Xander: We�re the original non-profit slaying squad.
Sato: What? I�m so out of here.
Spike: Well, bugger all.

Tucker: Here it is: the vault. Well, not so much that as a random door I stuck a lock on.
Ulis: Just so long as there�s gold behind it.
Tucker: Yep, lots of gold. But I should warn you that we keep it invisible to guard it from theft.
Ulis: Then we�ll have to go inside and feel around for it. Come along, you two.
Tucker: Sigh... this would be more fun if they�d at least try.

T�Pol: I heard what you said about me to that alien.
Archer: All of it?
T�Pol: From �antisocial� to �zygomorphic.�
Archer: Shoot. How can I make it up to you?
T�Pol: Oh, don�t worry. All I ask is that you shave your head, put on this dress, and lend me some money to start a few logic schools on Orion.

Captain�s Starlog: Our first takeover has been a success. The only casualties were my hair, Trip�s dignity, and Malcolm�s gender. Speaking of which, I should ask Phlox if our medical insurance covers the operation Ms. Reed is asking for.

Archer: Well, Krem, I�m leaving you in charge. Best of luck.
Krem: Thanks, though I can�t say your outfit fills me with confidence.
Archer: But my baldness does, right?
Krem: Um....
Tucker: Hey Krem, I just realized we forgot to ask you something. What�s the name of your species?
Krem: Oh, it�s --
Tucker: It doesn�t matter what your name is!
Archer: Heheheh. Trip gets �em every time with that one.

T�Pol: Glad that�s all over. And best of all, no loose ends.
Archer: Does anyone else hear a muffled barking noise?
T�Pol: I�m sure it�s just in your head.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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