Cold Front
By Colin 'Zeke' HaymanPosted at December 1, 2001 - 1:10 AM GMT
See Also: 'Cold Front' Episode Guide
Evil Future Guy: Great job of blowing your last mission, genius.
Silik: Come on, can you really blame me? I was up against the hero of the--
Evil Future Guy: Silence! For this display of buffoonery, I'm confiscating your glasses.
Silik: Aw.
Archer: Mmmmmmm! This is delicious! You must have been using some sort of futuristic temporal egg-scrambler.
Archer: Greetings! I'm Captain A--
Prah Mantoos: We are space pilgrims. Bearing gifts we traverse afar, following yonder plume.
Sato: Reed's off the bridge -- wanna sit in the Big Chair?
Tucker: I'm about to begin a long and boring speech. Any of you who wish to use the washroom or sabotage Enterprise should do so now.
Fraddock: There's an enormous storm coming. You'd better batten down the hatches.
Mantoos: That storm nearly killed us! This ship is more pathetic than--
Tucker: Terrible news, sir. Someone saved our lives.
Fraddock: I didn't do it, but I'll gladly pretend I did.
Daniels: Allow me to explain some things. The jerk who saved you is the same jerk you fought in the pilot; I came from the future to stop him, or at least bug him a bit.
Tucker: You actually believed this guy? Guess I shouldn't be surprised...you are the one who keeps his dog in a small, claustrophobic space.
Archer: Keep an eye out for anything suspicious, okay?
Daniels: Not to boast or anything, but I'm soooo much smarter than you. For example, I can use this device to walk through walls.
Porthos: Ruff!
Mantoos: And now, let us begin our deep and meaningful chant.
Silik: Time to die, jerk-boy.
Archer: Ow. Did somebody get the number of that truck?
Tucker: I've figured out where Silik is -- take this intangibility gizmo and stop him.
Silik: Hiya John. Shall we have a climactic fistfight?
Captain's Starlog: Silik got away somehow, but at least Daniels is dead. Wait, that's not right.
T'Pol: Reed wants permission to lock Daniels' quarters.
THE END Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
Daniels: Oh no! How did you find out?
Archer: Heheheheh. Good followup to my joke.
Daniels: Er. Joke. Yeah. Thanks.
Fraddock: (over the comm) Bla, bla, bla. Cut to the chase. You want to borrow my aliens, right?
Archer: Well--
Fraddock: They'll be aboard shortly.
Archer: But--
Fraddock: Shut up! Nobody needs to hear you talk.
T'Pol: Gentlemen: a round of applause for Mr. Fraddock.
Pilgrims: Ohhhhhhh-ohhhhhhh, plume of wonder, plume of might! Plume with royal--
Tucker: Can it and make with the gifts!
Mayweather: Oh, I get it. You're trying to make me even more similar to Harry Kim so I'll become less and less important as time passes, freeing up more screentime for you.
Sato: Was I that obvious?
Mantoos: Why subject us to this? We're your friends.
Tucker: Yeah? Then how come you gave Archer gold and I only got this myrrh stuff?
T'Pol: Check the translator, Sato -- he went garbled near the end there.
Sato: I'm pretty sure he meant to say "batten down the hatches."
T'Pol: Great, now I'm losing you too.
Archer: Know what happens to complainers? I send Phlox to their ships.
Mantoos: NOOOOO! I take it back! Have mercy!
Archer: No.
Archer: You mean somebody other than me is being heroic? That is terrible.
Tucker: Cool! I like to play pretend. I'll be the President and T'Pol can be the First Lady.
T'Pol: Aw, you're always the President. Why can't I be the President this time?
Tucker: You wanna get busted down to intern?
T'Pol: Sorry.
Archer: I'll need some proof of this.
Daniels: In First Contact and Insurrection, the tactical officer was called Daniels. Ring a bell?
Archer: Wow, you are from the future! Can you predict my future for me?
Daniels: Sure. What's your sign?
Archer: Sagittarius.
Daniels: Okay, here goes: "With Jupiter in its optimal position, this will be a good month for you if you can embrace change. Be prepared for new business prospects and a potential swing in your love life."
Archer: Wow...I didn't know I even had a love life.
Archer: Look, if you can think of a better way to store chili, I'd like to--
T'Pol: HOLD IT. Captain, we've put up with this for weeks now, but it's time you faced facts. The Porthos/chili joke is DEAD.
Tucker: Dead as Phlox once I get through with--
T'Pol: NO! That joke is dead too! Get it through your heads, people: nobody wants to hear any more variations on those pathetic themes! It's all lame, lame, LAME!
Archer: But...but this was going to be the big revelation episode! I was finally going to explain the whole Porthos business--
T'Pol: No more.
Archer: But the grappler accident and the alternate-dimensional blender and the--
T'Pol: No more.
Archer: You are such a killjoy.
T'Pol: It's what I do. Get used to it.
Phlox: Certainly. Eye operations are one of my many specialties, though I must admit I've never tried one on myself. But there's a first time for everything!
Archer: No no, not literally...wouldn't an eye-removal operation on yourself probably result in painful death?
Phlox: Optimism, Captain!
Tucker: Okay then, smarty-pants -- explain why you're not falling through the floor.
Daniels: I'll leave you to ponder that for yourself.
Archer: Yeah, it wasn't a great day. Thanks for asking.
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Archer: You're sure talkative today, boy...what's eating you?
Silik: The joke is dead! DEAD, I tell you! Oh, and prepare to be stunned.
Archer: You're just going to stun me?
Silik: Don't get me wrong -- the gun's set on kill. But it's not very effective on your thick skull.
Pilgrims: "There's a little black spot on the sun today...it's the same old thing as yesterday...."
Mantoos: You're welcome to sing along, Doctor.
Phlox: Thanks, but I really need to concentrate on this operation. OW! I think I hit a bit of brain there....
Daniels: Know what kind of war it is when people are shooting each other? I'll give you a hint: not cold.
Silik: Know who cares?
Daniels: Not you?
Silik: Good guess.
T'Pol: Porthos did, but he uses some weird numbering system we can't comprehend.
Archer: No surprise. Science has yet to unravel the language of--OW!
Phlox: Well, now you've done it. He's unconscious again.
T'Pol: I couldn't take the chance that he was going to say "chili."
Archer: Anything to get away from you. I don't know what cologne you're wearing, but it breathes a life of gathering gloom.
Archer: Sure, but stop calling me by my first name.
Silik: What should I call you?
Archer: Something like "Grand Exalted Master of Us All" would do nicely.
Silik: Okay. May I escape scott-free, Grand Exalted Master of Us All?
Archer: You may.
Archer: That doesn't sound like him....
T'Pol: Well, it wasn't his first suggestion. I talked him down from several others, all of which involved high explosives and the deaths of many innocent bystanders.
Archer: Ah. Well, give him permission and cue the ominous music. By the way, what's that funny smell on the bridge?
T'Pol: Frankincense. I hear the aroma "rolls cascadingly by."
Archer: That's "holds a deity nigh."
T'Pol: Oh, rats.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He told you he'd resolve the Porthos thing. See? See?
