Terra Nova
By Colin 'Zeke' HaymanPosted at October 29, 2001 - 9:55 PM GMT
See Also: 'Terra Nova' Episode Guide
Mayweather: Terra Nova -- the greatest mystery of our time. Think we can solve it in an hour?
Sato: I give it forty-five minutes, tops.
Tucker: See, Terra Nova was a colony that--
T'Pol: Colony? A teranova is one trillion novas.
Tucker: Don't pester me with your Vulcan witticisms. I'm exposition guy today, and darn it, I'm going to do my job.
Reed: Hmm...looks like nobody's home. We should probably blow up the planet just to be on the safe side.
Archer: Okay, you'll be on the away team. I don't want you at that weapons console unsupervised.
T'Pol: Lots of radiation down here...looks like it killed them. You'd think they'd just have left.
Reed: Hey, an alien! (Isn't it cute how we think they're aliens at this point?)
Reed: I'll go in first to ensure your safety.
Mayweather: We have to go back before they make him an ex-Malcolm!
Phlox: So how will we save Reed from those horrible monsters?
Reed: Captain! You've come to save me!
Archer: So I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, everything you've ever believed is shale.
Jaymin: I grudgingly allow you to save my mother's life. But you've got to stop all this propaganda.
Captain's Starlog: You may be wondering where Porthos is this week. You may also be wondering what's for dinner. Any more questions?
Reed: As long as I'm stuck here, I should do some good. Come here and I'll tell you all about the NRA.
Colony Leader: Damn you, Earth! We're all dying and we're too stupid to realize it's not your fault!
Archer: See this picture? The little girl is you.
T'Pol: We need to talk.
Archer: I need a Get Out of Plot Free card and I need it now.
Jaymin: Have I told you guys lately what shalers you are?
Archer: Our ace pilot just crashed the shuttle.
Archer: Okay, Jaymin and I will go get Reed and do some male bonding. Travis, guard the shuttle.
Jaymin: Give me the gun so I can prove my trustworthiness.
Jaymin: OOOF! I can't lift this log -- it would take someone with supernovan strength!
Archer: How've you been, Reed?
Nadet: Phlox's propaganda sold me. I believe we're humans.
Mayweather: Well, that was some mission! I'm gonna write a report.
THE END Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
Archer: Foolish Vulcan. You see, they dismantled their ship.
T'Pol: Then why didn't they remantle it?
Archer: That's actually a good point. Fortunately, I can ignore it because of that silly word you used.
Archer: Go jog after him. No rush. T'Pol and Mayweather, guard the cave.
T'Pol: I call the spot near the entrance.
Mayweather: Awwww! Captain, make her give me that spot!
Archer: Sorry, Travis. She called it.
Archer: Bunk -- you just want the first shot.
Reed: You said it, I didn't. OW! Little help?
Archer: You got shot, I didn't.
T'Pol: Heheheheheh. Good one.
Archer: I don't get it. Anyway, we're going back to the ship so T'Pol can drop a stunning revelation on me.
T'Pol: Your dog has fleas.
Archer: He does? Oh God, NO!
T'Pol: Wow, that wasn't even the stunning revelation. This'll be fun.
Archer: Bluh!
Phlox: What?
T'Pol: He's still incoherent from the revelation I stunned him with. He was trying to tell you that they're humans.
Archer: Bluh!
T'Pol: And that you're on the next away mission as punishment.
Archer: Bluh.
T'Pol: And that you will worship T'Pol as your goddess from now on.
Phlox: You're making that up.
T'Pol: Ahem....
Phlox: Sorry. You're making that up, goddess.
Archer: Well, sorta. If there's nobody better. Phlox?
Phlox: That elderly woman has lots of diseases.
Archer: Oo -- now there's a better option. Sorry, Reed.
Jaymin: "Shale"? What does that mean?
Archer: It's a common English synonym for "lie."
Phlox: Captain, that's shale and you know it.
Nadet: You're so selfish. To you, it's all about the Jaymins. Now be quiet so I can hear the nice doctor.
Phlox: Thank you. Now, as I was saying, repeat after me: "I am human. All the Novans are human. 2 + 2 = 5. We worship His Shadow. Er, T'Pol. Er, Phlox."
Archer: Pity this message never got sent. Earth would've had a good laugh.
Nadet: Who's the man with the glasses and the red and white shirt?
Archer: Holy cow -- you found Waldo! I've been looking for him for days now!
Phlox: You're not a smart man, Captain.
Archer: Oh great. Is this going to be another noninterference lecture?
T'Pol: No, it's about Porthos. Many of us on the crew are very concerned about your latest log entry.
Archer: Oh, that. Don't worry about the dog. Also, don't eat the chili.
Tucker: As chance would have it, there's a safe continent to which we can easily bring the Novans.
Archer: That'll do. Good job.
Tucker: All in a day's work for the exposition guy.
Mayweather: Oh, pipe down! Your mother--
Archer: Travis!
Mayweather: I was just going to say "Your mother would be dead if not for us."
Archer: And I was just interrupting to say "Please don't land us on this unstable tunnel."
Mayweather: Hmm. Well, easily fixed...anybody got a Wayback Machine?
T'Pol: (over the comm) Hee hee. I bet you primitive humans will be using a forklift to get it back.
Archer: For your information, our technology happens to be way more advanced than that. Trip, send down a sporklift!
Mayweather: This is such crap. You run around being a macho man, and what do I always end up doing? Guarding things. It stinks.
Archer: Close your eyes. What you see is how much sympathy I feel for you.
Archer: Gladly. Few things in life are as satisfying as providing Stone Age cultures with advanced weaponry.
Archer: Then why bother moving it?
Jaymin: Because this guy is crushed under it!
Archer: Big deal. He's like Mayweather -- bland and dispensable.
Mayweather: (over the comm) You might want to say that with a closed comm link next time!
Archer: Close your eyes, Travis....
Mayweather: I know, I know.
Reed: Great. I've founded the Terra Nova chapter of the NRA.
Akary: Awwww, you're leaving? What will we ever do without you?
Reed: You'll be fine. Just remember our motto.
Akary: "Guns don't kill Novans -- humans kill Novans!"
Reed: Good man.
Jaymin: But...but can we take this upheaval in our worldview?
Nadet: If not, we can pray to the goddess T'Pol for help.
T'Pol: When you do, leave out the Waldo part.
Mayweather: Gotcha. Hey, pass the chili.
T'Pol: Um....
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He finds it interesting that Terra Nut Soufflé was Neelix's favourite dish. Coincidence?
