Twilight
By Colin 'Zeke' HaymanPosted at January 12, 2004 - 7:39 PM GMT
See Also: 'Twilight' Episode Guide
Archer: T'Pol, I demand to know why I was locked in my quarters! If you're trying to put me under "illogic quarantine" again....
T'Pol: Good morning, Jonathan. Did you sleep well?
Archer: We've got to get the lights and the environmental controls fixed.
T'Pol: That's when you boldly strode up to the anomaly and tried to headbutt it like a water polo ball. It's a sight I'll never forget.
Phlox: Because of transdimensional space parasites. That's why. They've taken up residence in your brain to eat your memories.
T'Pol: Your condition made you even less fit to command Enterprise, so Starfleet gave me a field promotion.
Mayweather: The Xindi just took out our forward hull plating!
Archer: Poor guy. I'll miss him, even if the Xindi didn't. How did you survive that battle?
T'Pol: ....however, continuing to ram the debris over and over again afterwards increased the damage somewhat.
T'Pol: It took six months to repair the warp engines, the hull plating, and my stereo. We were unable to complete our mission.
Archer: NOOOOOOOOO!
Archer: So why are you still here? Shouldn't you be on Enterprise failing to properly replace me?
Archer: That was very nice of you, T'Pol.
Phlox: Yep, you're still full of transdimensional parasites. I was hoping they'd find you less appealing with gray hair, but no such luck.
Whistle: Twee twee twee twee twee
Phlox: At first, it looked like the only way to cure you was to vaporize you in a subspace implosion. And while I was all for it, T'Pol objected on some sort of religious grounds.
Archer: I really appreciate all you've done for me over these 12 years. I mean, man, that's 84 in dog years.
Reed: I'm detecting a small unidentified ship. Let's do something to it.
Phlox: You know, T'Pol, if we do manage to cure him, things may change between you.
Yridian: Stop! You can't beat me up! I have interseries cameo immunity!
Phlox: Crazy! Killing one of the parasites killed it in the past too!
Reed: Here they come.
T'Pol: Where do you think you're going?
Reed: Phase cannons are... (sob)... GONE!
Archer: The bridge isn't responding. Maybe it's too busy.
Phlox: It's no good, sir... the machine's broken. I got mad and broke it.
T'Pol: Three more switches to go. Are you ready, Doctor?
T'Pol: The implosion is almost ready! I -- GAK!
(BOOM)
Archer: Oh boy... my head hurts. What happened?
THE END Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
T'Pol: Shut up! Can't you see we're under attack? By a massive Xindi ship that's about to blow up the --
Earth: BOOOOOOM
Everyone: (horrified silence)
Reed: I have got to get one of those things. -- What? I'm just saying....
Archer: (yawwwn) Wonderfully. I feel like I've been asleep for twelve years.
T'Pol: I, on the other hand, have had to hear that joke for twelve years. I suppose you wish to know where you are, why your hair is gray, and so forth.
Archer: My hair is what? That's impossible!
T'Pol: I would prove it to you, but we no longer keep mirrors in the house. It bothers you that I have no reflection.
Archer: "We"? "House"? What's going on?
T'Pol: I will explain. It all started in a dark and stormy corridor....
T'Pol: Indeed. -- Captain, look! An anomaly!
Archer: Oh, really? I thought the Vulcan Science Directorate had proven that anomalies were impossible.
T'Pol: Must you be so --
(WHAM)
T'Pol: Arrrrrrgh! Run, Captain! You'll never get this bulkhead off me before that other anomaly gets here!
Archer: I can't just let you die!
T'Pol: I could DIE? Sweet Surak, I didn't think of that! Get the bulkhead off, fast!
Archer: Ooooof... it's no use! There's only one thing to do....
Archer: Wow. I rock. So why don't I remember it?
T'Pol: Well....
Archer: Will it hurt?
Phlox: OH yeah. But more important, from now on, you'll have only a few hours of short-term memory at a time.
Archer: (gulp) How many?
Phlox: I just told you 12 hours ago!
Archer: And a uniform?
T'Pol: Indeed. Unfortunately, the effect on crew morale was disastrous....
T'Pol: Return fire!
Reed: I... I would, but I just don't feel motivated anymore.
Mayweather: He's right. With no cheesecake to remind us what we're fighting for, we -- GAK!
T'Pol: Ensign? Ensign! Say something so we'll know you're all right!
T'Pol: Ironically, it was Mr. Mayweather's death that saved us. Ensign Sato was so overcome with rage at being the new least important character that she took the helm and rammed both Xindi ships.
Archer: That must have damaged Enterprise pretty heavily.
T'Pol: Less than you might expect....
Tucker: Somewhat? We lost an entire nacelle!
Sato: Sorry.
Tucker: Sorry ain't good enough. I'll never forgive T'Pol for this!
Sato: T'Pol? But I --
T'Pol: It's all right, Ensign. The story requires Mr. Tucker to turn against me. (But see if he gets any more neuropressure.)
Archer: But... but we at least won the war, right?
T'Pol: The Shadow War? We won, but Centauri Prime isn't looking so good these days.
Archer: You know what I mean.
T'Pol: I also know how you react to this part whenever I tell you. You see, Earth was --
(CRASH)
T'Pol: Again! Again! I have to repair the whole settlement's windows every day!
Archer: Settlement? Where are we, anyway?
T'Pol: The last refuge of humanity. Some call it New Earth, some Earth 2, and some Planet Bob, but it is home to all the remaining 6000 humans.
Archer: There are only 6000 humans left?
T'Pol: And one is Mr. Tucker. Fate is very cruel.
T'Pol: After Earth was destroyed, I made a difficult decision....
Soval: You're resigning again? To stay with HIM?
T'Pol: Yes. Actually, knowing I'd get to see that look on your face made the decision less difficult.
Soval: But I'm offering you the chance to come back to Vulcan! Your home! Where you'll be ostracized for having Pa'an Syndrome!
T'Pol: You will not change my mind, Ambassador.
Soval: If you only knew the POWER of the Dark Side!
T'Pol: I agree. By the way, I invited Phlox to visit this afternoon.
Archer: That was less nice.
Archer: So what brings you here, Doc? I'm sure you're happier back on Denobula with your three wives.
Phlox: Eighteen. I'm here because, after twelve years of searching, I've finally found a cure for you!
Archer: That's great! Where were you searching?
Phlox: eBay, mostly.
Archer: Wow, I never used to get whistle music when I came aboard Enterprise. Beats decon.
Tucker: Welcome back, Cap'n!
Archer: Thanks, um, Captain. Hi, Malcolm. How's the armory?
Reed: Actually, sir, I'm a captain too. I go by Captain Mal now.
Archer: Did they just make everybody captains while I was gone?
Captain Porthos: Ruff!
T'Pol: I said I was going to beat the holy Surak out of you if you tried it.
Phlox: Right. Anyway, I've found a better way now. You'll lie down in this machine and I'll begin a complicated procedure involving sticking your head in the warp core.
Archer: Will that work?
Phlox: It may take several treatments, but I'm confident that whatever's left of your head will no longer be a suitable home for the parasites.
Archer: I'm not sure I like this plan.
Phlox: That's okay. You'll forget your concerns any minute now.
T'Pol: But only 1.7 in Vulcan years.
Archer: Oh. Still, it's a big sacrifice. So... if this works...
T'Pol: Yes?
Archer: ...maybe... you and I can...
T'Pol: Yes?
Archer: ...go to a water polo game together?
Phlox: (over the comm) We're ready to start the procedure. I thought I should interrupt before T'Pol killed you.
T'Pol: No no, this is really romantic by his standards!
Tucker: Not yet. Open hailing frequencies, Ensign.
Sato: Aye, sir. Unidentified vessel, this is Enterprise, where everybody but me gets promoted and eventually I can't take it anymore and I KILL THE BRIDGE CREW. ...It's not responding.
Tucker: Okay, now we do something to it.
Reed: Yay!
T'Pol: No kidding. He'll finally remember to stop hanging his socks in the bathroom.
Phlox: I mean romantically. Clearly your feelings have changed over the years.
T'Pol: (sigh) And clearly your hobbies haven't.
Tucker: Tell us who hired you and maybe I'll call off Mr. Reed.
Yridian: It was the Xindi. Whom I've already contacted, so it does you no good to harm me n-- GAK!
Tucker: Hey! Who gave you permission to kill him?
Reed: My beard, and the evil it represents.
Tucker: Fair enough.
T'Pol: Then... then if we kill them all, history will change for the better! Like in that one Andromeda episode!
Phlox: Actually, that was about keeping history the same, not improving it.
T'Pol: Hmm, true. So it's more like the Voyager episode where Harry --
Tucker: It doesn't matter! We can't let you use the warp core anymore. There are Xindi coming.
Phlox: Offer them free pimpin' vouchers to wait and come back later.
Tucker: We tried, but Hoshi can't finish the offer without going into a rant.
Tucker: Open fire! Shields (er, hull plating) up!
Reed: Shields was correct. It's the future.
Tucker: Ah, right.
Reed: And I opened fire half an hour ago.
Archer: I can't stand by while the Xindi kill us!
T'Pol: Lie down, then.
Archer: Hmm, that makes s-- no! You won't fool me with your Vulcan logic trick!
Tucker: Blast!
Reed: What did I just tell you?
Sato: Um, hate to interrupt, but the bridge is being carved out of the ship....
Tucker: I guess that's it for us. Hoshi, I promote you to Captain.
Sato: Yes! Yes! I can die in p--
T'Pol: Unlikely. T'Pol to Phlox: prepare to stick Archer's head in the warp core some more.
Archer: Do we really have time for that now?
T'Pol: It may be the only thing we have time for. See? "Time"? Because there's time travel. Pretty good, huh?
Archer: Then there's only one option. We have to vaporize me in a subspace implosion!
Phlox: I've waited so long to hear those words....
Phlox: I certainly a-- ARRRGH!
Archer: Oh no! The Xindi got him!
Phlox: As long as... there is evil... I shall... live on... (dies)
Archer: Great, he turned to dust. Where are we going to find a broom at a time like this?
Archer: No! Not you too! Now I have to finish this myself... let's see, what switch comes next?
T'Pol: I... love....
Archer: Shh, I'm trying to concentrate. The red switch, then the blue, then -- orange! Right! Just have to reach... wait... Hey, where am I? What's going on? Last thing I remember I was in the corridor...
Audience: GASP!
Archer: Hey, a cool orange switch. I think I'll pull it.
Audience: Whew.
T'Pol: You were injured saving me from an anomaly. Dr. Phlox says you will be fine, though you may experience hallucinations.
Archer: No kidding. A minute ago a guy who looked like Colonel Grat explained to me that I successfully changed history and "leaped."
T'Pol: I'll leave you to get the rest you obviously need. Here's a copy of tonight's movie.
Archer: Thanks. Can you also get me a pillow? And a beer?
T'Pol: Here.
Archer: Thanks, that's great. ...Hey, T'Pol?
T'Pol: Yes?
Archer: Helloooooo, nurse!
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. There are quite a few things he wouldn't mind forgetting every twelve hours.
