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Top 100 Reasons Why Kirk Should Return From the Dead

By Hemi and the Farkmaster
Posted at October 5, 2000 - 8:19 AM GMT

First it was Superman, then Kirk. Enough!

These morbid, nihilistic fin-de-siècle writers and producers are driving us to distraction! Hemi and the Farkmaster, Creators of 100 Reasons why Kirk is Better than Picard, Proudly Present:

Top 100 Reasons Why Kirk Should Return From the Dead

100. Spock has gone and lost his brain again.

99. The velour industry is on the cusp of an economic comeback. This could be just the opportunity they've been waiting for.

98. Kirk disappears into the Nexus and overnight Starfleet faces bankruptcy under a deluge of child support suits.

97. Data needs a new role model. Between Picard and LaForge, he's gone all soft and sentimental.

96. Arnold Schwarzenegger has expressed interest in playing Kirk's latest foe - an evil Ferengi tyrant bent on enslaving the galaxy's females. Yes, it's a stupid idea for a script, but think of the box office draw.

95. The Tribbles need a culling.

94. Word is that the Romulans have a new kind of cloaking device which could upset the balance of power. It's being guarded by a foxy high-ranking female officer. Say no more.

93. Three words: Earth, Final Conflict.

92. The Klingons have built a memorial statue of Kirk on the Klingon homeworld and they've been letting these big nasty Klingon pigeons crap all over it.

91. Even Vulcans agree. Space needs more kissy-face.

90. The Kobayashi Maru has actually been disabled in the neutral zone. This time it ain't a simulation and only one man can save them.

89. SOMEONE has to go to the Delta quadrant and get that incompetent Janeway home.

88. You're not a true hero until you return from the dead with some kind of boon for humanity. Just ask Joseph Campbell or George Lucas.

87. Just before saving the Enterprise B and being sucked out into the Nexus, somehow in all that confusion, Kirk found the time to put his hand on Chekov's forehead and whisper "Remember." Now Chekov's gone insane and he's been hitting on all the yeomans in sight.

86. The Enterprise B has a brand new state-of-the-art Andorian waterbed in the captain's quarters and it's just sitting there, gathering dust.

85. Wormholes, the Nexus, warping around a sun, naturally occurring anti-time particles, The Q Continuum, chroniton particles, chronometric particles, tachyon particles, rips in the fabric of time and space, temporal wakes, anomalies and distortions, mind melds, Guardians of Forever... Since the dawn of Star Trek, there have never been so many devices to bring a character back from the dead. A chimp could write Kirk back to life.

84. The Federation's population of red-shirts has swelled to unprecedented numbers.

83. There's been a rash of Kirk-sightings. At a gas station in Kansas. A grocery market in Nashville. A chicken restaurant in San Francisco. Mass hysteria or a cry for help?

82. The latest model of the Federation phaser has a new setting: WHUPP-ASS. But nobody around these days has the brawn to use it.

81. They went back to God's planet and He mentioned how much He missed Kirk these days, how He forgives Kirk for kicking His ass, and how the universe "just wasn't the same without him."

80. Ambassador Spock has a closet full of Romulan ale received as political gifts and he has no idea what to do with it all.

79. If Harrison Ford can make Indiana Jones 4, Bill Shatner can make Star Trek 10.

78. Did Hercules die? Did Robin Hood die? Did King Arthur? No. That's because heroes don't die, dammit.

77. The Enterprise B is in dire need of a real Captain, not some gimpy schmoe from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

76. When Kirk's obituary was circulated in a Federation interstellar press release, the Vulcans were a little miffed. It seems they were under the impression he died years ago during some kind of weird mating ceremony gone amok.

75. They have this wicked cool new Captain Kirk action figure just waiting in the wings.

74. We kinda miss the hypnotic cadence... of Kirk's... voice. Please! We... NEED more... of Kirk's... soliloquies.

73. Since Kirk retired and died, it seems like the Enterprise either gets blown up, infiltrated by the Borg or decommissioned every time you turn around.

72. Chekov's been spreading a rumour that all Deltan females are ditching their oaths of celibacy. If that won't bring Kirk back, nothing will.

71. When Spock died, Kirk raced across the galaxy to go toe-to-toe with fearsome Klingons, lost his son, blew up the Enterprise and faced a court martial to bring back his friend. When Kirk died, Spock didn't even do a tricorder reading of the Nexus. Spock! what's up with that?

70. Intercepted on a high-security Romulan channel: "Kirk is dead. I feel strangely empty inside."

69. The search parameter "Bring Back Kirk" on Yahoo garners over 23,000 matches. The search parameter "Leave Kirk Dead" garners only "Sorry, no results were found."

68. Picard's been walking around in a guilt-induced catatonic state, muttering "It should've been me."

67. Star Trek 10 could use some alien babes in skimpy gold-lamé bikinis.

66. The rest of the crew is kinda worried. Since Kirk disappeared Scotty's been hitting the bottle pretty hard and all he can talk about is taking off in search of something called a "Dysan Sphere," whatever the hell that is.

65. Bill's agent needs a new pair of shoes.

64. Everyone at the Paramount lot admits it. They miss the practical jokes.

63. No one playfully insults Spock anymore. As a result, he's starting to feel insecure, alienated and detached. Of course he denies these feelings, but we can all tell.

62. ;Thanks to breakthroughs in medical science, Starfleet has raised its retirement age to 105.

61. That wasn't Kirk who died on Veridian III. It was some doppelganger formed in a transporter malfunction.

60. The Cardassians still don't really respect Starfleet.

59. Even Spock is making a heartfelt plea to the Federation for more "cowboy diplomacy."

58. Computer graphics can remove the wrinkles. Stunt doubles can do the rest.

57. The Star Wars franchise has agreed to a trade: Jar Jar's comedic death for Jim Kirk's heroic resurrection.

56. Where thousands of intergalactic aliens, monsters, robots, probes and energy creatures fail, one white-haired, pleasure-addicted pansy scientist succeeds?!? Not likely.

55. Star Trek conventions have had a measurable drop in female attendance.

54. Kirk: 3,448. Grim Reaper: 1. Despite our rather formidable willing suspension of disbelief, we can't swallow this one.

53. Once Kirk died they started getting lax and allowed cats and Klingons onto starships. It went downhill from there.

52. Uhura's secret love may go unrequited.

51. Kirk is the only James Bond outer space has got.

50. The Horgon on planet Risa is a seriously under-utilized plot device.

49. In today's sci-fi there's a noticeable shortage of shoulder rolls.

48. These days Spock just sits and plaintively looks out the window, doing higher math in his head and listening to Vulcan harp music.

47. There's this crazy civilization on a little planet tucked away in a corner of the galaxy that has evolved into a society of mob gangsters. Rumour has it they've been putting the heat on Rigel VII.

46. Word around Starfleet is Picard's seriously considering making ceremonial dresses the standard uniform. Stop the insanity!

45. Bill Shatner desperately needs some Star Trek anecdotes for his next best seller book: "Star Trek 10 Movie Memories."

44. The destruction of Babylon 5 has left a gaping hole in the sci-fi market and nature abhors a vacuum.

43. Kirk deserves so much more than making scrambled eggs for eternity.

42. Since Kirk disappeared Spock has 1311 wins, 0 losses and 11 ties at three-dimensional chess, and he's getting pretty damn smug about it.

41. Two words: Plot conflict.

40. Apollo is back, blocking all the Federation's shipping lanes with that big green hand of his.

39. Without Kirk to wage war with, the Klingons feel like they're going through menopause.

38. Thirty to fifty-year old Star Trek fans are still too young to admit that Bill Shatner is too old.

37. Ever since Kirk's death scene, the phrase "Captain to the bridge!" has this new, awful double meaning.

36. Intercepted on a high-security Dominion channel: "Now that Kirk is dead we can finally attack."

35. There are still hundreds of supermodels more than willing to guest star in the next flick.

34. You'd think that after the Voyager experiment, the powers that be would've snapped out of their reality distortion field.

33. Nobody's fed Kirk's pet Vulcan fish in decades.

32. It's not an age issue, if that's what you're thinking. Patrick Stewart's no spring chicken either y'know.

31. Kirk and Riker really should get together and go bar hopping.

30. The internet fans are rallying and planning a gajillion geek march on Paramount as we speak.

29. Scotty's stashed a copy of Kirk in a spare pattern buffer for times like these.

28. Nobody pushes their engines past warp 6 anymore.

27. Complete this phrase: Spock is to Kirk as Robin is to _ _ _ _ _ _. Now do you get it?

26. Ever since the second pilot, the thought of "James T. Kirk" on a tombstone makes grown men misty.

25. The humpback whale population is dwindling once again and Earth's top scientists are powerless to help.

24. Kirk's the best Jesus figure that 20th Century literature's got.

23. Kirk said "I know I'll die alone." Well, he didn't, so his death is null and void.

22. Even the Ferengi agree Kirk should come back, citing Rule of Acquisition #147, "Never kill the goose that lays the golden egg."

21. Nobody can flick open a communicator with Kirk's flair.

20. Spock said it best in Journey to Babel: "It would be illogical to kill without reason."

19. The quadrant's rife with female aliens in heat. Say no more.

18. Let's face it, the Prime Directive's been holding us all back. Someone needs to bend that rule a little and nobody's been stepping up to the plate.

17. The Enterprise F is in drydock, just ASKING to be hijacked by a motley crew of silver-haired relics, and Kirk's just the man to lead them.

16. When Spock died, they brought him right back in the very next movie. C'mon guys, it's been two movies. This isn't funny anymore.

15. Fifty million pimply males aged 15 - 35 who dress funny and wish they'd make cell phones that look like communicators can't be wrong.

14. The Borg need a good old-fashioned ASS-WHUPPIN.

13. When Kirk died, Ben Kenobi paused and said "I sense a great disturbance in the Force."

12. Spock's been having these recurring dreams about Kirk that always end the same way: swelling orchestra music and the phrase "You complete me!"

11. One simple equation: Kirk = ratings.

10. McCoy (De Kelley) deserves the kind of majestic eulogy that only Kirk can deliver.

9. Kirk too, deserves the kind of majestic eulogy that only Kirk can deliver. Although this logic is severely flawed, it may just be sound enough for a Star Trek script.

8. Frankly, Kirk's first death scene kinda sucked.

7. Captain Sulu's been boasting a lot lately about how he single-handedly kicked Khan's ass.

6. A recent poll shows that 99.3% of Star Trek fans have forgiven Bill Shatner for that "Get a life" crack.

5. Even estrogen-hardened TNG fans are admitting that they miss Kirk.

4. The ghost of Gene Roddenberry visited Rick Berman in a dream, and boy was he pissed.

3. The following classified ad has appeared for the past few years in the Starfleet Times: Wanted. One swaggering do-gooder to save galaxy as we know it. Experience necessary.

2. Somehow Kirk's death doesn't seem official without McCoy there to say "You're dead, Jim."

1. Kirk's not dead. He's merely sleeping.

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Hemi and the Farkmaster are the creators of list: '100 Reasons why Kirk is Better Than Picard'

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