February 25 2024


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Chosen Realm

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 19, 2004 - 1:31 AM GMT

(Enterprise Week continues at Five-Minute Voyager in support of the Save Enterprise campaigns.)

Tucker: Another day, another massive sphere scanned. Let's head back.
Mayweather: Aye, sir. Hey, do you think Hoshi likes me?
Tucker: I don't think your existence affects anybody on the ship.
Mayweather: 'Cause I keep seeing her give me these little looks on the bridge.
Tucker: The clock is in front of your console.

D'Jamat: Little do they know we're watching them.
Yarrick: Hooray for spying.

T'Pol: This new data from Mr. Tucker and Mr. Mayweather will be very helpful. Perhaps I will refrain from killing them for a while longer.
Archer: Don't feel pressured. What does the data tell us?
T'Pol: Among other things, there are 59 spheres in the Expanse.
Archer: Is there an 11 coming? Because I thought we got all those out of the way in "Carbon Creek."

D'Jamat: (over the comm) Save us, hopefully-friendly alien ship! This is totally a real distress call!
Reed: They're losing life support. Not as fast as they'd lose it if you let me open fire, though.
Archer: Beam the crew aboard, but make sure they're unarmed.
T'Pol: Captain! You can't single these people out just because they're an alien species! That's racial profiling!
Archer: (sigh) Fine. Reed, search our crew too.

Phlox: None of the Triannons will let me scan them. For (scoff) religious reasons.
Archer: What's with the scoff? Don't you usually find alien religions delightful and quaint?
Phlox: Not when they stand in the way of scans. Scans, man!
Archer: Whatever. Which one's the leader?
Phlox: This one has the most lead poisoning, if that's what you mean.
Archer: I thought you hadn't scanned them.
Phlox: I provided the lead.

D'Jamat: Thank you, thank you for saving my ship. We'll find a way to repay you. In fact, I have one in mind already....
Archer: That's nice of you. Now why don't my staff and your staff do lunch?
D'Jamat: Sounds good. What's on the menu?
Archer: Religious friction. Then chili.

D'Jamat: So for years we've been on a pilgrimage through the Chosen Realm.
Tucker: Realm, eh? Run into any Sernaix?
T'Pol: Don't mind Mr. Tucker. We're all ashamed of him. What sort of pilgrimage?
Yarrick: We worship the mighty spheres.
Tucker: Yeah, me too. They sure are big.
T'Pol: If you don't stop staring at my chest, I'm using the Vulcan death grip.

Phlox: Welcome to Sickbay. Mind the vampire mosquitos. What can I do for you?
Indava: I... um... this is really difficult for me to ask....
Phlox: Good. I enjoy watching people have trouble with things.
Indava: Would you perform... an... an ab...
Phlox: An absentee vote? Good gracious, you're right! The Denobulan election is this week and I don't even know what the issues are!
Indava: You're not making this any easier.
Phlox: I'm not trying.

D'Jamat: Okay, we've all eaten and showered and been sociable. Now let's take over the ship.
Yarrick: Are you sure we should do this?
D'Jamat: Betray our benefactors?
Yarrick: Talk about it out loud in the mess hall.
Sato: It's okay, we're not listening. We're playing strip poker.
Mayweather: I hate how you never lose.

Archer: Hi, glad you dropped by. I'm having trouble figuring out which Earth religion you guys represent.
D'Jamat: Would it help if I declared a jihad crusade on you?
Archer: It really wouldn't.
D'Jamat: Too bad. D'Jamat to Unfortunate Disciple: execute your prime function!
Unfortunate Disciple: Faulty! Faulty! Must... sterilize!


Archer: Damage report!
T'Pol: The blast penetrated bulkheads as far as Suder's quarters --
D'Jamat: I don't think you'll be reporting any more damage. Archer, I can do that again any time. You have no choice but to surrender.
Archer: You fiend! What kind of monsters would use their own civilians as bombs?
D'Jamat: How judgmental you humans are. Not at all like us. Now get to your quarters, you vile, inferno-bound sinners.

Triannon Guard: Move along. Get to your quarters.
Phlox: People were injured in that attack! I'm not leaving till I've treated their wounds!
Guard: That hypospray is marked "sulphuric acid." And you're holding an iodine-soaked lemon in your other hand.
Phlox: Yes, well...
Guard: I like how you work. You can stay, but I'm staying to guard you. And watch.

Archer: Do as they say for now, Trip. We'll stop them.
Tucker: Do we have a plan?
Archer: We will. I've assembled a think tank of the finest minds on Enterprise.
Tucker: Porthos, right?
Archer: And one of Hoshi's teddy bears.

D'Jamat: Set a course for Triannon!
Mayweather: Aye, sir. -- Hey, you just let me speak!
D'Jamat: Is there some reason I should stop you?
Mayweather: Don't ever, ever leave.

Archer: Why have you done this? What does your god need with a starship?
D'Jamat: There are heretics on my homeworld. Heretics, man!
Archer: So you guys disagree -- that doesn't mean you have to go to war over it!
D'Jamat: ...Huh?

Tucker: (over the comm) Any progress, guys?
Porthos: Ruff!
Bobo: Squeek.
Tucker: Well, keep at it.

D'Jamat: Time to delete all the data you sacreligiously gathered from the divine spheres.
Archer: Noooooooo!
Computer: All files in directory will be deleted! Are you sure? (Y/N)
Archer: Oh. C:\> Y.
Computer: Deleting... Done.
Archer: Noooooooo!

Yarrick: Here's information on how the repairs are coming. I'm not sure why they told me to bring this to you, what with your being a prisoner and all --
Archer: Hang on a sec. You're the one whose wife asked Phlox about an absentee vote. Apparently she doesn't think much of D'Jamat.
Yarrick: Well, I'm completely faithful to him. It would take a solid half hour to change my mind.
Archer: Noted.

Yarrick: You went to their doctor? He's a psychopath!
Indava: Yarrick, I won't let our child grow up fighting D'Jamat's war! I'd much rather kill it.
Yarrick: Maybe the war won't be much longer. We have a powerful ship now....
Indava: Come on. This ship? Even the crew call it a dinghy of suckitude.

D'Jamat: I've chosen a suitable punishment for your crew. One of you must die.
Archer: One of us already died in the explosion.
D'Jamat: I'm only counting the crew who survived the blessed explosion of holiness.
Archer: This is the same reasoning as "anomalies are the breath of the Makers," I take it?
D'Jamat: My scars pulse with divine exhalation!
Archer: Well, I choose myself. May I also choose the method of execution?
D'Jamat: I don't see how that could possibly cause any problems whatsoever.

T'Pol: Farewell, Captain. I will miss you the way I miss diaper rash, or Ambassador Soval. May your katra disperse on the winds like dandelion seeds, never to re-form ever again.
Archer: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
T'Pol: I am attempting to give a realistic portrayal of how I would react to your death.
Archer: Shh! He'll hear you.
D'Jamat: Huh? Pardon? I was reciting Qu'rible verses in my head.

Archer: Energize!
Transporter: WHOOSH
D'Jamat: Poor fellow. He stood by his beliefs, like me. But he totally deserved to die for it because his were different.
Yarrick: Don't you think "transporter" is an odd name for an execution device? Wouldn't a transporter, you know, transport stuff?
D'Jamat: Don't be silly. It's not like a firing squad fires at people or a hangman hangs men.

Phlox: Hmm. What's that beeping?
Archer: (on Phlox's console) Hiya. Ever read a little story called "Passed on a PADD"?

D'Jamat: I sense that you've been having doubts lately.
Yarrick: Ahhh! How did you know?
D'Jamat: Your LiveJournal lists your current mood as "incredulous." Don't worry. We all have our doubts sometimes.
Yarrick: Whew.
D'Jamat: And you're so dead if you keep having them.

Phlox: (on Archer's tricorder) I need scans of one of the Triannons.
Archer: No problem. Hey! Look over there!
Triannon: Where?
Archer: Good plan. Thanks, guys.
Porthos: (over the comm) Ruff.

Main Power: GAK!
T'Pol: We've lost main power.
D'Jamat: I heard. Get it back!
Mayweather: Who could have disabled main power? It's an interesting conundrum. The saboteur would need to be agile and swift, and knowledgeable about the ship's systems. Furthermore....
D'Jamat: I'm beginning to understand why you infidels don't let him speak.

Archer: I know, you don't like being scanned. Sorry about that.
Triannon: (mumbling behind gag)
Archer: I'll keep talking to you to pass the time. You know, you're not the first people we've run into who worshipped Makers. There was that Fremen colony, and then the planet Nolybab 5 where everyone worshipped a Great Maker... frankly, I think they were even more fanatical than you.
Yarrick: Want some help?
Archer: Hey, it's you! Has it been half an hour already?

Mayweather: There are four ships approaching us!
D'Jamat: The heretics! Kill them all!
T'Pol: No.
D'Jamat: Okay, hail them all.
Heretic Captain: (over the comm) Hi. We're the --
D'Jamat: Now kill them all.

Archer: (on Phlox's console) Here are the scans, Doc.
Phlox: Excellent. Now to create a diversion.
Bat: I'm free! Skrell skrell skrell!
Guard: AAAA! Get it away!
Phlox: Don't worry, it's harmless.
Guard: No it isn't! It helped cause "A Night in Sickbay!"
Phlox: Mostly harmless.

Enterprise: ZAP ZAP ZAP
Heretic Ships: PKOW PKOW PKOW
Mayweather: BLAB BLAB BLAB

Reed: I'm free! And armed! Life is worth living again!
Yarrick: He and your MACOs should be enough to retake the ship. Let's hope the heretics don't destroy us first.
Archer: What's so heretical about these heretics, anyway?
Yarrick: We believe God is black on the left side and white on the right. They think it's the other way round.

Guard: Whew! I think I finally escaped that bat. Now -- AAAAA! STOP IT! IT'S BITING ME!
Phlox: Do be careful of my Klingon assassin fish.
Phlox: And my Metroid.
Guard: AAAAAA! I CAN'T -- (klonk)
Phlox: And me.

Archer: (over the comm) Hey, guess what? We've taken the ship back.
D'Jamat: Not while I have innocent people to blow up!
Archer: You don't. Phlox has dispersed an airborne chemical throughout the dinghy to disable your internal explosives. Wow, I sound smart.
D'Jamat: I'll never be defeated! I -- (ZAP)
Archer: (not over the comm anymore) Hmm, I've never gotten to use that parenthetical before.

Captain's Log: The Triannons are in the brig, and life on Enterprise is back to normal. Except for that aphrodisiac Phlox slipped into the anti-explosive gas. Thanks a lot, Phlox.

Archer: Just one thing left to do. Archer to Mayweather.
Mayweather: (over the comm) Yes, Captain? I was just saying that --
Archer: Shut up. Ahh, sweet normality. Now isn't it your duty shift? Where are you?
Mayweather: Ensign Sato's quarters, sir.
Archer: Ah. -- WHAT?
Sato: (over the comm) Travis, maybe it's just the aphrodisiac talking, but I think the strong, silent type is really sexy....
Archer: Eep. Um, I'll talk to you later, Ensign. And thank Hoshi for loaning us Bobo.
Sato: You borrowed Bobo? I told you, Marcus is the smart one!

D'Jamat: You've made a terrible mistake, Archer. Now your damnation is certain.
Archer: Yes, I'm sure I'm going to hell for stopping you from killing people.
D'Jamat: It's right there in the scriptures. "Thou shalt not not kill."
Archer: Do double negatives even make a positive in your language?
D'Jamat: I wouldn't not doubt it. Can I have my cruscentifix back?

Archer: And here we are on your planet.
Triannons: GASP!
Archer: Yep. It's alllll wiped out. Now let that be your last battlefield, okay?
D'Jamat: But there's no one left to battle!
Archer: There you go.
(Enterprise heads off at Sacreligious Speed)


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Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. If you haven't read Passed on a PADD, what have you been reading?

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