Fallen Hero

See Also: 'Fallen Hero' Episode Guide

T�Pol: Know what you two need? A vacation.
Tucker: Know what you need? To shut up.
Archer: Hang on, Trip, she may have a point. Did you have anywhere particular in mind?
T�Pol: We could go back to that spore planet where Trip tried to kill me.
Tucker: You said that was a robot of you.
T�Pol: Ah yes, I forgot you knew that. How about Risa? It�s a planet where dumb, dumb Trek episodes happen.
Archer: I like the sound of that.

Forrest: (over the comm) Hi, Jon. Toilet-paper any Vulcan ships lately?
Archer: How did you find out?
Forrest: Relax, it�s a joke. Listen... I have a secret, secret mission for you.
Archer: Are there secrets involved?
Forrest: Very possibly. I need you to go to the planet Mazar and pick up an old Vulcan who looks like Angela Lansbury.
Archer: Pick up Jessica V�Letcher... got it. Anything else?
Forrest: Make your engineer stop wearing that Hawaiian shirt. It�s so ugly I can see it from here.
Archer: From my ready room?
Forrest: From Earth.

Sato: I hope this Vulcan bag enjoys my quarters. Grumble.
T�Pol: Something wrong?
Sato: Do you know how much work it�s been to clear the place out? I had to move my books, my clothes, my debris collection, the lock of hair I keep to remember Marcus Cole by....
T�Pol: Who?
Sato: Guy I met on my inter-universe travels. He was bilingual. Rowr.

Archer: Do the quarters pass inspection?
T�Pol: Yes, I think she�ll be happy here. I wouldn�t be, but maybe Hoshi�s smell will be easier on her.
Sato: I heard that.
Archer: Well, as long as she doesn�t demand quarters that face the other way. People like that are such a --
Sato: I�m standing right here!

Mayweather: ....and then you fold the second flap in to the centre, just like the first....
Archer: AAAAA! Who left Travis in command? Sorry, Your Highness, it won�t happen again.
Important Mazarite: Hey, let him finish! We�ve almost got paper airplane technology.
Archer: Maybe later. (Guards, kill Travis.) Anyway, where�s the Vulcan?
Important Mazarite: The one standing next to you, or the lawbreaking one on a shuttle heading for your ship?
Archer: The first one. Wait, the second. Wait, never mind.

V�Lar: Hi, Captain. I�m V�Lar, but you can call me just V�L.
Archer: Um... no thanks. So what�s with the friendliness? T�Pol, why didn�t you warn me there was a friendly Vulcan?
T�Pol: I didn�t know. Excuse me while I glare at her.
V�Lar: I hope the rest of you are this much fun.

Tucker: ...and here�s our Chef�s specialty. He calls it �stuff Reed shoots, flamb�.�
V�Lar: Sounds delicious. Does he do ethnic foods? Andorian, Mexican, that sort of thing?
Tucker: He hasn�t done Mexican since the court order, but we get antenna stew on occasion.
V�Lar: Mmmmm... meaty.
Archer: T�Pol, stop glaring! Another minute and her hair is going to catch fire!

V�Lar: Thanks for walking me back to your quarters.
T�Pol: Don�t thank me, thank the captain for handcuffing us together. Would you mind unlocking me now?
V�Lar: I sense... anger.

Archer: I can tell you�re upset, T�Pol. Is it my new haircut?
T�Pol: Yes. Also V�Lar, that humane criminal blatch.
Archer: Hey, she�s not so bad. Except the criminal part. And �humane� doesn�t mean �human-like.�
T�Pol: On my homeworld, it does.
Archer: I see.
T�Pol: On my homeworld, it is an expletive.

Captain: (over the comm) We�d like V�Lar back, please.
Archer: That�s not exactly going to happen, unless you have a coupon.
Captain: I do! It�s in my pocket somewhere... gimme a sec to find it....
Archer: And while he�s distracted, we�ll polarize the hull plating. Right, Reed?
Reed: Pardon? Sorry, I was sending my weekly �What I�ve Shot� report to Chef.

Sato: We�re hit!
Archer: Target that explosion and fire!
Reed: That would mean firing at ourselves.
Archer: Don�t contradict me, mister!

Reed: Woohoo! We�ve disabled the Mazarite ship.
Archer: Excuse me? We�ve differently abled the ship. Get it right. T�Pol, any idea why they came back?
T�Pol: Maybe V�Lar isn�t really a Vulcan. You know, like the original T�Pel.
Archer: You are the most confusing person I know.

V�Lar: No, I can�t tell you why they want me. No, I can�t give you a good reason to protect me. No, I can�t rub my stomach and pat my head at the same time. Any more questions?
Archer: Boxers or briefs?
T�Pol: Shut up, Archer. I think it�s clear that V�Lar is a disgusting traitor who should be punished like anything.
V�Lar: As opposed to the other kind of disgusting traitor.
T�Pol: You shut up too!
Archer: Okay, folks, I�ve decided on a plan. We�re going to turn the ship around and head back.
T�Pol: A good, good plan, sir.
Archer: Thank you. Archer to Mayweather: set a course for Earth!

Forrest: You�re messing up again, stupid. The Vulcans will vampirize us for this!
Archer: My every instinct tells me to hand over V�Lar to be mauled. I�m just going where my heart will take me, Admiral.
Forrest: I suppose I can�t argue with that. Just remember that if you fail --
Archer: -- Starfleet will deny all knowledge of my existence. I know, I know.

Tucker: I wish we were on Risa right now.
Reed: Me too.
Tucker: Do you suppose that when we get there, we�ll end up wishing we were here?
Reed: Hah! Not likely.

V�Lar: Let�s reconcile, T�P.
T�Pol: Don�t call me that! As far as I�m concerned, you�re just a humane --
V�Lar: T�Pol! My virgin ears! Look, if I tell you all my secrets, will you start taking my side?
T�Pol: Do you know the secret of how they put the caramel in the Caramilk bar?
V�Lar: Yes.
T�Pol: All right, we have a deal.

Porthos: Ruff ruff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff rufffffff! Ruff ruff ruff!
Archer: Good boy. Oh, hi T�Pol. I�m teaching Porthos to bark in Morse code.
T�Pol: I don�t think he�s enjoying it.
Archer: Don�t be silly. So, have you come to talk me out of my plan?
T�Pol: Yes, and I�d like you to keep in mind how often that worked with Janeway.
Archer: You�re no Seven, honey.
T�Pol: D@mn straight! I�m a nine out of nine any day.

Archer: Okay, Travis, turn the ship around.
Mayweather: Let me get this straight... we�re heading for the Vulcan ship now?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! No, no, wait, that is indeed the plan. Sorry, gut reaction there.
Mayweather: So for the Vulcans now, right?
Archer: Vulcans? NEVER! Wait, that�s -- stop doing that!

V�Lar: Time to tell you all my secrets. First of all, they do it by suction.
Archer: Who do what?
V�Lar: Never mind. Second, I�m not really in disgrace -- I was conducting a big sting operation.
Archer: I see.
V�Lar: And now I feel guilty, so turn back around and give me up.
Archer: I see.
V�Lar: Well?
Archer: I see.
T�Pol: Oh... sorry, V�Lar. I hypnotized him to make him agree, and I don�t think he�s out of it yet.

Captain: (over the comm) And then I do what with the top corner?
Archer: Travis! I can�t leave you alone out here for three seconds, can I? Look, Mr. Mazarite Guy, we�re now going to show your our top speed. Also our dust.
Captain: You can�t. The speed limit in this sector is Warp 3 for some environmental reason.
Archer: Heh. Next time, come up with a plausible lie.

Tucker: (over the comm) We�re gonna lose warp! I cannae hold �er any longer!
Archer: Okay, new plan: we all act out a convincing scene to distract the Mazarites.
V�Lar: Oo, oo! Who do I play?
Archer: It really doesn�t work that way, V�Lar.
V�Lar: Aw.

Archer: Welcome aboard. It�s our custom to immediately play a full game of Monopoly with all visitors --
Captain: Where are you hiding the Vulcan?
Archer: Okay, you win. She�s under the bed.
Captain: Which one?
Archer: Oh, one of them.
Captain: There must be 150 on your ship!
Archer: Yeah, it�s one of those.
T�Pol: (Pssst... Captain, the plan isn�t to make him so mad he kills YOU.)
Archer: I see.

Mayweather: (over the comm) The Vulcans are here!
Archer: What? Fire all weap-- wait, wait, never mind. You Mazarites can get off my ship now.
Captain: Fine. You�ve won this round. But I shall return!
Archer: Not likely -- I don�t see Jeffrey Combs under that makeup.

Captain�s Log: The fight is done and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer....

V�Lar: Farewell, Captain. Thanks for the memories.
Archer: I thought I told Phlox to wipe them.
T�Pol: He�s getting negligent lately. By the way, what�s Porthos doing here?
Archer: He�s going to say goodbye to V�Lar in Morse code in Vulcan. Check it out.
Porthos: Ruff rufffffff! Rufffffff ruff! Rufffffff rufffffff ruff! Ruff! Ruff rufffffff ruff ruff!
V�Lar: Captain! I certainly shall never set foot on this ship again!
Archer: Whoops. That may have been Vulcan for �humane.�
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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