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North Star

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at January 23, 2004 - 7:54 PM GMT

See Also: 'North Star' Episode Guide

Narrator: After the Earth was blasted at, we found a new Expanse where hundreds of new races lay undiscovered and uncivilized. The Xindi races formed the Council of Evil and decided all the humans had to be killed. There was some disagreement on that point. But not much. After the attack, the Enterprise which had been refitted and MACOed up entered the edges of the Expanse, far from Starfleet control. Out here, people struggled to get by with the most basic technologies; a ship would bring you to anomalies, a Trellium-D lining would help you go crazy. A captain's goal was simple: find the Xindi, find their superweapon, kick its @$$.

Bad Cowboy 1: We got the horses, we got the rope, we got the Skag... I reckon we're ready to get our lynch on.
Bad Cowboy 2: Hey, where's Tim? He likes lynching.
Bad Cowboy 1: He's too busy these days. We'll have to do it without him.
Bad Cowboy 2: Nuts. Okay, Skag: last guess.
Skagaran: W?
Bad Cowboy 1: Ha! You lose. Let's ride, boys.
Skagaran: Wait, what was the word? You're not just going to leave me hanging, are y-- GAK!

Bethany: I can't believe they killed another Skagaran. It's wrong!
Sheriff MacReady: I agree. We should talk to the sheriff about it.
Bethany: You're the sheriff!
MacReady: Oh... we'll have to forget it, then. I don't talk to myself.

Archer: This is just weird. What's the Wild Wild West doing in the Expanse?
T'Pol: One Earth scientist has proposed that independent planets sometimes evolve on parallel courses.
Archer: That Hodgkin quack? No way.
T'Pol: Then perhaps the inhabitants patterned their civilization on a Western novel left here centuries ago.
Archer: (sigh) Go investigate the alien settlement with Trip. If you won't be serious, there's no point in talking.

Tucker: I had to sell my pants, but I got us a horse.
T'Pol: But you're still wearing pants. Where did you get them?
Tucker: The same place we all got our Western outfits.
T'Pol: Come to think of it --
Tucker: But I could take 'em off if you'd rather.
T'Pol: Yes, that would be a huge help to our cover.

Archer: If RPGs have taught me anything, it's that bars are excellent sources of information. You there, what's the latest news?
Customer: (sigh) Times are tough.
Archer: Don't I know it. Barkeep, a pint of... what's that you're drinking?
Customer: (sigh) Times are tough.
Archer: Uh... huh.

T'Pol: Do you know how to operate this animal?
Tucker: If I can drive a starship, I think I can drive a horse.
T'Pol: You can't drive a starship. I've seen you try. So did five other crewmen who didn't live to tell the tale.
Tucker: Just shush and enjoy the experience. It ain't every day you and me go bareback riding.

Skagaran Waiter: May I take your order?
Bennings: Yeh, I'll have me a Barooskee with a Skags Suck.
Archer: Hey! That's a little rude, don't you think?
MacReady: Is something going on here, Deputy?
Bennings: Nothin' really, I was just gonna kill this out-a'-towner yokel.
Archer: You're a deputy? Oops. I wouldn't have interrupted your racism if I'd known that.

Tucker: Nice settlement they got here.
T'Pol: Indeed. We should take a closer look.
Tucker: No, that's too risk-- wait. Aren't you usually the one suggesting caution?
T'Pol: Yes.
Tucker: Well, I ain't doing your job for you. Let's go.

Archer: Howdy, miss. Mind if I --
Bethany: "Howdy"? No one says "howdy." Where are you from?
Archer: Um... north. Yeah. A northern town called... Minnesota.
Bethany: And what's your name, charming stranger?
Archer: Um... Porthos. No, that's stupid. Bill. Porthos Bill.
Bethany: Funny... I've never met you before, but something about you feels trustworthy and good.
Archer: I think it's the hat.

Archer: ...so I had to leave the bar, but on my way out I wagged my finger disapprovingly at the deputy when he wasn't looking.
Bethany: That was so brave of you! Too bad you didn't know that a "Skags Suck" means a lemon around here.
Archer: Actually, that was on the menu.
Bethany: Then you were standing up for the Skagarans? That's so great! I thought I was the only one!
Archer: Oh, what do you do?
Bethany: Come with me to the settlement and I'll show you. We'll just have to be careful Bennings doesn't see us leave.
Bennings: Don'tcha worry, I'm real inobservant.

Tucker: Cap'n! What're you doin' here?
Archer: Bethany brought me to see how the Skags live. It'll probably work better than what you were doing.
T'Pol: See? I told you fruit hats were no good as a duck blind!
Archer: Speaking of which, in case she asks, our cover story is that we're a hockey team from Minnesota. Your names are Charles "Spike" Tucker and T'Pau.
T'Pol: What kind of half-baked names --
Tucker: "Spike," huh? Bloody cool.

Bethany: And what would 4 times 7 be, class?
Skagaran Kids: 28!
Captain's Starlog: The best part of being in Starfleet is that you never stop learning new things. I --
Bennings: Stick 'em up! This here's an arrestin'.
Bethany: Oh, look at the example you've set! Children, do not follow Mr. Bennings' grammar.
Skagaran Kids: We won't.

Archer: Cheer up, Bethany. Jail isn't so bad when you get used to it. And boy oh boy oh boy am I used to it.
Bethany: But teaching the Skagarans shouldn't be a crime! Just because their people kidnapped hundreds of humans, enslaved them, and took them lightyears away from Earth forever doesn't mean it's fair to make sure they can't do it again!
Jailer: Hey, you two, the sheriff wants to see Porthos Bill. Which one of you is Porthos Bill?
(long pause)
Archer: Oh! Right.

MacReady: Now I understand why you're defendin' the Skags, and I feel the same. If one of us were in a position of power or something, maybe we could change it, but wishes ain't horses. Here, have another swig.
Archer: Yeughhhh! This Skagaran ale should be illegal.
MacReady: It is.
Archer: Then it should be more illegal. Anyway, I'm okay with the out-of-town-by-sundown thing, but what's going to happen to Bethany?
MacReady: She's getting ten years in jail, I'm afraid.
Archer: Is that really wise? I've been around town and I'm pretty sure she's your only woman.
MacReady: The lack of reproducin' will be a small price to pay for having nobody makin' sure we bathe.

Bennings: Hey, ain't you supposed to be outta -- OW!
Bethany: Bill! What are you doing here?
Archer: I'm not getting out of ow without rescuing you. Where's the key?
Bethany: Bennings has it in his pants.
Archer: You mean his pants pocket, right?
Bethany: Bennings is a sick, twisted man. But yes, the pocket.

Archer: Giddy-up! Time to get outta Dodge!
Bennings' Gun: BLAM
Bethany: AAAAAAAA!
Archer: Weren't you listening? I said dodge!

Phlox: It's a nasty gunshot wound, but she'll live. If I want her to. I have that power, you see.
Archer: I don't suppose you can wipe her memory while you're at it?
Phlox: Find me a transdimensional space parasite and we'll talk.
Archer: Shoot. Archer to T'Pol: round up the staff, we've got a situation.
T'Pol: (over the comm) By definition, we always have a situation.
Archer: You can sit this one out.

Bennings: He vanished inta thin air! He's gotta be an alien invader!
MacReady: Most unfortunate. Someone should do something about it.
Bennings: Okay, I quit. I feel like I'm workin' for the Yoo-nited Nations.

Sato: I've translated the database from the Skagaran ship. Really, I have. Please believe me. All right! I admit it. I was just pretending so I could play a part at the meeting.
Archer: What did you find?
Sato: A quarter under my cushion.
Archer: Good. Mr. Mayweather, do you have anything to add?
Mayweather: Don't get me started.
Archer: Righto.

Archer: Okay, I've decided what to do. We're going to make first contact, and perhaps they'll learn a new moral direction from us. We can be like their moral North Star.
Tucker: Oh, is that what the title means? I thought it was just a Mel C thing.
T'Pol: That would be "Northern Star." Your inattention to detail is --
Tucker: Oh, here it comes again.

Shuttlepod: LAND
Townsfolk: AAAAA!
Archer: Hey everybody. Remember me? Turns out I'm from space.
Horse Salesman: Wow... look at the pants on that guy!
Bartender: You know, I served him beer before he was a space alien.
Customer: (sigh) Times are tough.

Archer: So that's the story. We didn't forget you, we just never knew. Our histories had no record of a Delphic Expanse or Skagarans or, for that matter, Xindi.
MacReady: Does this mean you're gonna bring us back to Earth?
Archer: Yeah, funny story: Earth doesn't like prejudiced people anymore. Except me.
MacReady: You mean the prejudice against Skags? Well, I know it's wrong. I firmly believe that someone should do something about it.
Archer: ...That's a real recipe for change you've got there.

Reed: T'Pol, you must have noticed the locals staring at your catsuit. Shouldn't we stop them?
T'Pol: They have the excuse of novelty, Lieutenant. You, however....
Reed: Objection hastily withdrawn.

MacReady: Gentlemen, Captain Bill has convinced me. There's injustice in our society, and it's time someone stood up and waited for someone to do something!
Archer: Look, we went over this six times....
Bennings: Hold it! None a' you varmints move a muscle or my men an' I will shoot!
Archer: Malcolm, hold your fire. -- I said hold your fire!
Reed: It's nothing personal, sir. I wouldn't hold my fire for God himself.

Phase Pistols: BRZZAP BRZZAP
Punches Connecting: WHAM WHAM
Guys Falling Out of Windows: THUNK
Ghost Riders in the Sky: Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yo....

Bennings: Ha! I shot the sheriff!
Reed: But I didn't? Shoot! The deputy is mine, then.
T'Pol: You misunderstand. The sheriff's on our side. Well, sort of, if the fence is a side. URK!
Bennings' Man: I've got your babe! If you want her ba-- what the? You shot her? OW!
Reed: Actually, I was going to shoot you and then her, but I missed both times.

Archer: Bennings, you may have shot me in the shoulder, but I still have the advantage.
Bennings: Zat so? Whatta you got? --YEOW!
Archer: The instant one-punch knockout. It's an ancient power passed down from Enterprise captain to Enterprise captain through the centuries.
Reed: Really? How do you pass it on to the next one?
Archer: Knock 'im out.

Captain's Starlog: Bennings and his men are in custody, and I've got the sheriff's promise that he'll change the anti-Skagaran laws... "at some point hopefully when conditions are right if possible."

Archer: Good luck, Bethany. Keep at it and the Skagarans won't have to live under the spectre of the gun much longer.
Bethany: Thank you so much for all your help. By the way, I'm one-quarter Skagaran.
Archer: Phlox mentioned. It's not like it adds to the plot.
Bethany: Or even affects it, really. Just thought I'd better mention it.

Enterprise: (sound of leaving orbit)
Cowboy 1: Well, Jim, are you satisfied now?
Cowboy 2: Yes, I am. I've had my doubts about this man Archer, but if he can handle the West, I think he'll be just fine.
Cowboy 3: A fascinating, if illogical, conclusion.
(Three old cowboys ride into the sunset at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. Wicky wild wild wicky wicky wild wicky wild wicky Wild Wild West, Jim West, desperado, rough rider, no you don't want nada, none of this six gunnin', this brotha runnin, this buffalo soldier, look it's like I told ya.

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