February 25 2024


An archive of Star Trek News


By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 23, 2002 - 9:21 PM GMT

See Also: 'Oasis' Episode Guide

Cordelia: Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless.
Sato: (over the phone) Uh, hi. You wouldnít happen to be hiring right now, would you?
Cordelia: Well, what are your qualifications?
Sato: Iím a very experienced translator and --
Cordelia: Oh, you. The Sunnydale bunch warned us youíd be calling. Sorry, but we have a rule here: no taking characters from other showsí dumpsters.
Sato: What about Wesley?
Cordelia: He came before we made that rule.
Wesley: HEY!

DíMarr: Mmmmm. My compliments to your chef -- he serves excellent kanar.
Tucker: Ca-what?
TíPol: Forgive our engineer, DíMarr. Heís charming, but his slowness kept him from getting your cross-series joke.
DíMarr: What joke? Oh, and speaking of ghost ships, thereís one on a nearby planet.
Archer: That was the worst segue Iíve ever heard.

Archer: Travis, set a course for the ghost ship planet.
Mayweather: Woohoo! At last, a vehicle for my criminally-underused character!
TíPol: Some would say mercifully underused. And how is this a vehicle for you?
Mayweather: I tell ghost stories, remember?
TíPol: No.
Tucker: That was on Sporeworld, TíPol. You were there.
TíPol: No, my robot duplicate was there. I send it on missions where it looks like youíll hit on me.
Tucker: And if I do?
TíPol: Then it has a very nice surprise for you.

Intercom: You are now entering the Ghost Ship of Evil and Pain. Remember to stop at the gift shop on the way out.
Tucker: Oh, shoot! Left my money on the ship. Iíd better go back and get it.
Archer: Nice try, Trip.

Tucker: Hey, do you hear something?
TíPol: No. I think this Discman may be broken.
Tucker: No, I mean thereís a spooky sound that --
TíPol: Ahhhh, now itís starting. Much better.

Mayweather: You know, Captain, your support and guidance have really meant a lot to me. In fact, I think --
Archer: Just because itís your last scene doesnít mean you have to talk this much.
Mayweather: Last scene? But this was my vehicle! How can it be my last scene of the episode?
Archer: At least I talked TíPol down from ďof the season.Ē And that was down from ďof the series.Ē

Tucker: Wow! A secret garden!
Liana: Hi.
Tucker: With a girl in it!
Many Kantare: Hi.
Tucker: ....and also an army. There goes my Frances Hodgson Burnett theory.

Sato: Ever since then, Iíve been wandering from series to series, each one a subtle variation on the last.
Quinn Mallory: Youíve definitely got the experience weíre looking for. Can you act?
Sato: Can I? You havenít lived till youíve seen my John Rhys-Davies impression.
Maggie Beckett: Excuse me, Quinn. Is this woman trying to join our cast?
Quinn: Yeah. Is that a problem?
Maggie: Weíve discussed this! Remember? Wade?
Quinn: Ohhhh, right. No cuter female characters than you or you walk.
Maggie: That wasnít my phrasing, but itís the general point. Sorry, Miss....
Sato: Hoshi.
Maggie: Hoshi. Here, take my uncleís business card; he may have a job for you.
Sato: Thanks. And donít worry, Iím not mad -- Iím mostly flattered to hear that Iím cuter than you.
Maggie: Quinn, there will be pain later.

Archer: Greetings, friends!
Kantare: Humph.
Archer: Uh oh. The only answer I studied for was ďGreetings right back atcha.Ē TíPol, how do I win now?
TíPol: For the last time, you donít win a first contact. Anyway, try making a small peace offering to break the ice.
Archer: Got it. (ahem) Greetings, friends! Please have my ship!

Liana: Hey, do you hear something?
Tucker: Thatís just TíPol banging her head against the wall. Say, donít I know you?
Liana: I doubt it. I pretty much live in a cave.
Tucker: Well, you look familiar, and thatís grounds for pass-making. Wanna see a movie?
Liana: Whatís playing?
Tucker: The Matrix.
Liana: Su--
Maya: NO! I forbid my daughter to see that movie!
Tucker: Why? Itís just about someone discovering that everything around him has been an illusion for his whole --
Maya: Shhhh! SHHHH!

Kuulan: Captain, Iíd like you to meet Ezral, one of the Founders of our community.
Archer: Pleased to meet you, Prospero.
Ezral: My name is Ezral.
Archer: Then why did Kuulan say it was Prospero?
Ezral: He didnít!
Archer: He did so. TíPol?
TíPol: I heard Prospero.
Ezral: Well, the name is Ezral. Get it right.
Archer: Okay, Prospe--
Ezral: EZRAL!
Archer: Oh, right! Sorry.

TíPol: Youíre being pretty blatant with your dalliance.
Tucker: All I did was ask her out. Youíre just jealous.
TíPol: Iím not the only officer whoís concerned about this. Hereís another....
Data: Commander, what are your intentions toward my daughter?
Tucker: Gyaa! Whereíd HE come from?
TíPol: You and cross-series jokes just donít get along, do you?

Reed: Captain, that ship is much older than theyíre saying. About 300 years.
Archer: Holy cow -- itís the Jupiter 2! Weíve found it!
Reed: My scans also revealed that the ship isnít fictional.
Archer: Oh. So much for that idea.

Tucker: This concludes our tour of the ship.
Liana: What tour? The only place you showed me was your quarters, where there were scented candles and jazz music for some reason.
Tucker: I guess we have time for one more room. How about Sickbay?
Liana: Okay. Whatís your doctor like?
Tucker: Nothing unusual. Heís chubby, I guess....
Liana: Oh strange new world, that hath such people in it!

Sato: Oh, and I agree completely with all your theories.
Al Calavicci: You can stop sucking up now -- youíre hired. Welcome aboard!
Sato: Thank you so much, Admiral. Iíve had a lot of trouble finding the right show to work on.
Al: Well, honey, your troubles are over. Now lemme introduce you to the other half of the cast. Hey Sam, get over here!
Sam Beckett: Something wrong, Al?
Sato: Oh... boy.
Sam: Hi there, maíam. Al, is this the new employee?
Al: Yeah. You okay, Hoshi? Youíre paler than my first wifeís wedding dress.
Sato: Um. Mr. Calavicci, thanks very much for your time, but I need to run screaming now.
Al: Well, there she goes, Sam... the only person I ever met who knew more languages than you.
Sam: Huh. Was it something I said?

Reed: I just found some escape pods orbiting the planet. Funny how I never noticed them before.
Archer: Guess they were hiding. Bring one aboard.
TíPol: Captain, you need to break this habit! What did you say when we found the sleeping Klingons? ďBring one aboard.Ē What did you say when the Suliban shot warp grenades at us? ďBring one aboard.Ē What did you say when we ran into the giant space bees? ďBring one aboard.Ē
Archer: Exactly. Now letís bring one aboard.

Liana: Hey, do you hear something?
Tucker: Thatís TíPol again -- Jonís two for two today. Hey, know what you should do? Leave home forever.
Liana: Why? Iím very happy cooped up in a small space on a small planet for my entire life. It worked for Jim Carrey in The Truman Show.
Tucker: Yeah, but thereís a difference: nobody he knew was real.

Reed: Hereís the pod, but itís marked ďDo Not Open Until Stardate 99239.1.Ē
Archer: What the frell is a stardate? Just open it. Phlox, take scans.
Phlox: All right, but I remind you Iím doing this under protest... dead people are icky.

Kuulan: Hey, you were snooping around!
Tucker: Who, me? Naw. I was, um, scooping a round. Ball of ice cream. Yeah.
Kuulan: I donít understand you people. How can you think that fixing our ship for free gives you the right to look into our situation?
Tucker: If that doesnít, what would?
Kuulan: Pie.

Liana: I think Iím falling for him, Mom. I know itís forbidden, but I canít help --
Maya: Stop that right now. Do you want to turn us into a Fiddler on the Roof ripoff?
Liana: But --
Maya: Do you want to turn us into a Fiddler on the Roof ripoff?
Liana: ....No.
Maya: Good girl. Now go help your sisters with the challeh.

Archer: Time to send an away team to find out what Prosperoís really up to. Reed, you get to pick the redshirts.
Reed: Iím honoured, sir. Shall we take the transporter?
Archer: Malcolm! Iím surprised at you. Such disrespect for fair play.

Archer: Hi, Kantare people. Weíve come to --
Reed: YEOW!
Tucker: Oh my God -- they shot Malcolm! You bastards!
Archer: Are you all right, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Not really, sir. I was recently shot.
Archer: Weíd better fight back, then. Everybody aim for the holoemitters!

Sato: And then he walked in and it was all ďnew boss, same as the old boss.Ē So here I am on a psychiatristís couch doubting my sanity.
Doctor Who: Madam, the world is almost entirely composed of the unusual. If we are to survive, we must face what we do not wish to see.
Sato: But where do I go from here? If I stop changing series, I wonít get fooled again, but where else is left for me?
Doctor Who: Your life is yours, Ensign. I can offer only this advice: though the road goes ever on and on, in the end it always leads home.
Sato: Iíd better go, but thanks for listening. You said all the right things.
Doctor Who: Perhaps. Or perhaps someone very much like me, in a place very much like this one, said those right things to you.
Sato: Youíre weird, you know that?

Holoemitters: WAIT! Donít shoot!
Tucker: Captain?
Archer: No mercy, Trip. Fire.
Holoemitters: NOOOOOO!
All the Kandare: NOOOOOO!
Ezral: Um... uh... ďNOOOOOO!Ē
Tucker: Youíre not fooling anybody.
Ezral: Nuts.

Archer: Enough shadowplay, Prospy. Whatís really going on here?
Ezral: Okay, you got me. The others were all holograms.
Archer: They were units of mass?
Tucker: Fake people, sir. Iíve seen the tec--
Archer: Donít remind us of ďUnexpected,Ē Trip.

Ezral: Liana, I hope you understand that I was just doing what was best for you.
Liana: By lying to me every single minute of my life?
Ezral: Not all of them! I once went a full ten lie-free minutes -- I have it on tape.
Liana: Well, I just hope youíll be nicer to Trip and the others now. Theyíre good people, even if they keep calling you Prospero for some reason.
Ezral: All right, all right... but youíre still not watching The Matrix.

Captainís Starlog: Them holograms are nothing but trouble. Letís hope Starfleet doesnít run into them again.

Ezral: (over the comm) Itís time to leave home and explore the universe. Farewell, Captain, and thanks.
Archer: Not a problem, Prezral. Good luck.
Mayweather: Captain, weíre getting another hail -- itís Hoshi!
Sato: (over the comm) Hi, Captain... Iíve decided itís time to stop exploring the universe and come home. Permission to embark?
Archer: Granted, Hoshi. Granted.
TíPol: Isnít this great? Another ending without loose ends.
Tucker: But I never got Liana kissage in this version!
Archer: And I still hear a faint barking noise.
TíPol: Details, details.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. "Challeh" is a traditional Jewish bread prepared for special occasions, in case you're wondering.

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