April 22 2024


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Shuttlepod One

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at February 22, 2002 - 2:11 AM GMT

See Also: 'Shuttlepod One' Episode Guide

Computer: Danger! Danger!
Reed: What's that thing babbling about?
Tucker: Oh, it's just annoyed that I disconnected its sensors. It doesn't understand the need for plot devices.
Reed: That's because it's an American computer. British ones are more sophisticated, not to mention better-looking.
Tucker: Don't knock the States! Need I remind you that varp drive vas an American inwention?
Reed: The same warp drive that enabled Enterprise to crash into this asteroid?
Tucker: Ohhhhh crap.

Captain's Log: Actually, we're not dead. But since we're fictional, we're not really alive either. It's confusing.

Archer: How are the offscreen aliens doing? Hope the senseless, unnecessary destruction of their ship didn't bother them.
Sato: Nope, they're cool with that. We've supplied them with boron to breathe, too.
Archer: I thought boron was only a gas at 4000 K.
Sato: Really? That explains why they all caught fire.

Tucker: Okay, let's see...we're stuck in a shuttle with only ten hours of air, and everybody who could save us is dead. I'm pretty happy with that, you?
Reed: Happy? I'm the opposite of happy! I am to happy as kryptonite is to Superman! I--
Tucker: All right already, I get it. Just launch the shuttle in some random direction....
Reed: You got it!
Tucker: ....that doesn't slam us into the asteroid.
Reed: Curses.

T'Pol: So let me get this straight...the explosion sheared off the most readily identifiable part of the ship, doing no other damage?
Archer: Yep. Cool, huh?
T'Pol: And then we left said part of the ship to blend in with the alien wreckage?
Archer: I'm hoping Trip and Reed find it. Can you picture the looks on their faces?
T'Pol: It's not like I expect sanity from you, but it sure would be nice once in a while.

Reed: So I guess what I'm saying, Phil, is that....
Tucker: Will you stop recording letters already? I'm trying to sleep!
Reed: No you're not. You've got a flashlight under the covers.
Tucker: And you don't even know anybody named Phil.
Reed: Stop changing the subject.

Tucker: Okay, lunchtime. I'm going to eat these really, really, really thick mashed potatoes.
Reed: Are you sure that's not valve sealant?
Tucker: Quiet! I've got a nice denial going here.
Computer: How can you two eat at a time like this? We're going to die! I'm going to die!
Reed: Which will constitute two big losses and one major gain for the universe.
Computer: Exactly! Hey, wait a minute....

Archer: Welcome back, you hero, you.
Reed: Hero? What did I do?
Archer: Well, first you sedated Trip, who'd gone insane with claustrophobia and tried to kill you both. You used the rest of your time on the shuttle to find a proof of Fermat's last theorem, and then a different, better one.
T'Pol: Math is
such a turn-on. Rowr!
Reed: Oh, wow! This is like some wonderful dream....
Reed: You must have been having some nightmare.

Galaxy: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Tucker: Was that the galaxy laughing at us?
Reed: I think it was the computer, actually.
Computer: GASP! How can you make such an accusation?
Galaxy: Ha ha ha. You all suck. Except the computer, he's pretty cool.
Tucker: You're pathetic.

Tucker: Oh no! Tiny black holes are buffeting us!
Reed: Could be worse. Could be normal black holes.
Tucker: Actually, I hear those aren't so bad. My buddy Dylan says --
Reed: Shut up and give me your "mashed potatoes."
Tucker: What, to seal the holes in the hull?
Reed: To scare off the black holes. Not even they would eat this stuff.

Tucker: Bad news. We've lost one of our air tanks, cutting our supply down to two days' worth.
Reed: But we had ten before! Why were we keeping eighty percent of our air in just one tank?
Tucker: We needed the space in the other tank for something even more important.
Reed: What?
Tucker: Beer! Come on, help me get these sixpacks out.
Reed: You consider beer more important than air?
Tucker: That reminds me -- I'm turning off the heat in here. Can't let the beer get warm.

Archer: Found out what killed the alien ship yet?
T'Pol: Plot devices.
Archer: Very funny.
T'Pol: No, I'm serious. Ever heard of microsingularities? According to my research, they have a distorting effect on the narrative continuum in their vicinity.
Archer: Making them devices that affect plots...I get it already. Fine. Do you think they're still around?
T'Pol: You bet. They're probably messing with the shuttle crew as we speak.
Archer: No hurry to go back for them, then. They're at no risk of boredom.

Reed: ....will love you for all time. Sincerely, Malcolm "Casanova" Reed. OK computer, save a copy of that letter for each female name in your database.
Computer: You're so shallow!
Reed: And make a copy for yourself too.
Computer: Awwww...you're so sweet.

Reed: Well, let's put this beer to use...a toast to the Enterprise crew and their intensely painful deaths.
Tucker: Hey, don't feel bad. They died doing what they loved: asphyxiating.
Reed: Yeah, I suppose good times were had by all. Now put that candle out!
Tucker: What? How do you expect me to light my cigars?
Reed: WAAAAAAAAA! Those guys were (sob) the best friends I ever (sob) had, and now the only one left (sob) won't --
Tucker: All right, all right! Just stop blubbering.

Reed: Hic. We are so blasted.
Tucker: You and your stupid weapons. Hic. Can't we something else about talk?
Reed: Okay, let's discussissus T'Pol. What a (hic) babe.
Tucker: You said it. Said it you. You, it said.
Computer: This scene is a travesty!
Reed: You mean the pathetic attempt to convey drunken discourse in a textual medium?
Computer: No, the pathetic attempt to reinforce your heterosexuality! How dare you two be straight? How DARE you? This is an insult to all viewers everywhere!
Tucker: Malcolm, has the computer been into the beer?
Reed: Nah, it's always like this.

Archer: (over the comm) Hi, guys! How did you like that "we're all dead" joke? Pretty funny, eh?
Tucker: Blow it out your ear, you son of a --
Archer: I can't hear you, stupid. Anyway, don't worry about the air. We'll come pick you up as soon as it's long since run out.
Reed: What a relief!

Tucker: Okay, we need a plan.
Reed: No problem -- I've already come up with thirty-eight.
Tucker: That's a good start. Now eliminate all the ones that involve blowing up the shuttle.
Reed: Well, one plan is better than none.

Tucker: I think I'll go sacrifice my life for you now.
Reed: Oh, sit down! You're getting delusional.
Tucker: I don't see anyone else getting --
Computer: You know what you two are? Mary Sues! That's what you are!
Tucker: Never mind.

T'Pol: Welcome back, you hero, you.
Reed: You really think that?
T'Pol: Nope, just messing with your mind. But thanks for bringing back my beloved Trip. I think I'll kiss him now.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He knows he promised to get this one done on time, but he reminds you that at least he hasn't done the chili joke in five episodes.

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