Deprecated: addcslashes(): Passing null to parameter #1 ($string) of type string is deprecated in /var/www/trektoday.com/content/wp-includes/class-wpdb.php on line 1785

Deprecated: addcslashes(): Passing null to parameter #1 ($string) of type string is deprecated in /var/www/trektoday.com/content/wp-includes/class-wpdb.php on line 1785
October 6 2024

TrekToday

An archive of Star Trek News

Stratagem

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 29, 2004 - 10:31 PM GMT

Degra: ...Oh boy.
Archer: Brace for impact! The insectoids are firing!
Degra: Who are you? Where am I? What kind of cheap ship is this?
Archer: We can talk after we escape! Don't just stand there, do something useful!
Degra: I am. I'm so confused right now I'm radiating confusion in every direction, including out at the insectoid pilots.
Archer: Oh, so that's why they keep missing us and hitting each other.

Degra: All right, we're clear. Now who are you?
Archer: I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told. I had squandered my resistance for a pocket full of --
Degra: (mumbles) I hate it when someone is obviously making a reference but I can't tell what it is. Seriously now, who are you?
Archer: Archer. I'm a human. And we're best buds.
Degra: What? Impossible!
Archer: We met in jail. Note our matching prisoner tattoos.
Degra: ...Okay, you owe me about 640 kilobytes of backstory.
Archer: That should be enough for anybody.

Theme Song: I'm usually skipped in fivers, but I'm included in this one to help break up the long string of scenes with just Archer and Degra. It's a difficult task, but I've got faith to believe I can do anything.

Archer: Three years ago, you Xindi successfully destroyed Earth. But then you didn't have a hobby anymore, so you went back to your old way of killing time.
Degra: Killing each other?
Archer: Yep. The insectoids in particular made a killing -- they had been secretly building ships, so they swarmed the rest of you. That's how you ended up in prison, where you met me.
Degra: ...
Archer: Sorry, did I kill the conversation?
Degra: I'm just trying to take it all in.
Archer: Alcohol will help with that. Let's kill this bottle of Andorian ale.
Degra: If I hear one more killing joke....

Archer: We weren't perfect cellmates at first. There was violence and bloodshed. But then, one day, we realized something....
Degra: What?
Archer: That Ben was Glory. Then there was some more violence and bloodshed, and then we realized it made more sense to team up and escape. So here we are.
Degra: You told that story pretty concisely.
Archer: I've had lots of practice. Every twelve hours you forget it all and I have to tell you again.

Degra: Aaak! There's a worm in my arm!
Archer: Prison torture method. The insectoids got some tips from my old CMO. You know, that reminds me of the time he deflagellated the --
Degra: Oh, cut it out. --AAAAAAAAARGH! I didn't mean the worm! And I especially didn't mean with a rusty hacksaw!
Archer: Relax. It got the sucker out of you easy as pie. And I knew you wouldn't be too upset.
Degra: Why?
Archer: No worm in, no cry.

Degra: So where are we going?
Archer: Let's go visit Naala and the kids. Note that I know your wife's name, which proves I'm trustworthy.
Degra: Well, you did get the double A right... still, I have my doubts. Maybe if there were some convenient malfunction forcing us to rely on each other....
Coolant Pipe: HISSSSSSSSSSS
Degra: Wow! It's as if whatever transcendent beings steer this universe heard exactly what I said and provided it!
Archer: Don't call them transcendent, it'll go to their heads. Especially Travis's.
Degra: You humans have strangely-named gods.

Coolant Pipe: HISSSSS-- ehh, forget it.
Archer: Crisis resolved. Let's get some shuteye.
Degra: Can I trust you not to do anything sneaky while I'm asleep? Like beaming down to a party planet without me?
Archer: Don't you worry, Degra. I have no intention of leaving the ship I'm on.

Degra: ZZZZZZZ...
Archer: (Psst. Tank, get me an exit.)
Door: OPEN
Tucker: Trip.
Archer: Who can tell those T words apart?
Mayweather: Speaking of which, I hear I'm transcendent. Score!
Archer: I thought your head looked a little bigger.

T'Pol: This is going too slowly. You should just ask him where the weapon is.
Sato: Yeah, because that's such a relevant question three years later when it's already been launched.
T'Pol: Silly illogical human. There are any number of ways to pose the question without rousing suspicion.
Archer: Such as?
T'Pol: "I have a riddle for you. If a Chicken Xindi crosses the road, and he's on the planet where the weapon was being constructed, where is he?"
Archer: Brilliant. But now I think it's about time we gave the viewers a flashback explaining what the heck is going on.
T'Pol: I have alloted 640 KB of the episode for that purpose. It should suffice.

Captain's Starlog, Three Days Ago: We captured Degra's ship. Boy, I'm way behind on my log entries.

Sato: The Xindi managed to erase most of their files right before we boarded them. They used a virus -- Sisko something.
Archer: Did anything survive?
Sato: Just a letter from Degra to a planet called Azati Prime. It's addressed to his nephew Wormwood.
Archer: Degra, you devil!

Tucker: This is a cool ship. I bet we could make good use of it.
Archer: Come on, look how badly armed it is. What would we ever need it for?

Degra: I'll never talk! Never!
Archer: Not even if I do the airlock thing?
Degra: NEVER!
Archer: Fine, then I guess I won't waste my time.
Degra: Whew. -- Never!

Archer: What other options do we have? Could we use a truth serum?
Phlox: I have one, but I'm afraid it's on loan to Ensign Sato.
Archer: Hoshi....
Sato: There are some things I need to know for sure before I enter a relationship. What if Travis is secretly an alien Nazi?
Archer: (rolls eyes) Alien Nazis. Right. But fine, no truth serum. What else could we do?
Phlox: I do know how to perform frighteningly exact memory alterations on Xindi.
Archer: Oh, reeeally? That gives me an idea....

Degra: (chewing a carrot) Ehhhhhh... what's up, Phlox?
Phlox: I admit it's funny making him think he's Bugs Bunny, but what good does it do?
Archer: Okay, we'll try my other idea.

Archer: And that's how Degra came to be on Enterprise in a fake shuttle thinking he's my best friend. The End.
Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Don't worry, boy. He only thinks he is. You know you're my real best friend.
Voiceover: This has been your gratuitous Porthos appearance.

Degra: ZZZZ-- whoa! What's all that shaking?
Archer: Anomaly field. I don't think the anomalies like us.
(SHAKE)
Degra: Seems a safe bet.
Archer: Rats! We'll never get through it. And it's too big to go around, which is pretty impressive in three-dimensional space. We'll need to send a distress call.
Degra: We can't let the insectoids hear it. I'll use my special top-secret primate Xindi comm frequency.
Archer: Sweeeeeeeet. -- For, you know, saving us and such.

Reed: There's a Xindi ship approaching. Which response: fight or fight?
T'Pol: Flight. We will hide in the debris field and hope the radiation does not cause problems with the simulator, which, pfft, we know it will.
Reed: You know I said "fight" both times, right?
T'Pol: Look at my ears and ask me again.

Sato: They're drinking now, I see.
T'Pol: It is a time-honoured interrogation technique. There is an old Vulcan proverb: "In vinum veritas."
Sato: Especially if there's also serum in the vinum.
Mayweather: Huh?
Sato: Nothing, Trav. Hey, want to come to my quarters at 2100 for a drink?

Degra: I watched the probe rip into Earth, and I said to myself....
Archer: "I am become Death, destroyer of worlds"?
Degra: I must have told you this one before. Hey, what's that flashing light mean?
Archer: Incoming hail! Neat!
(CLATTER CLATTER CLATTER)
Archer: (Stop it, Trip. I didn't mean the weather.)
Tucker: (over the subdermal transceiver) Aw. It's fun throwin' rocks at the shuttle.

Sato: (over the comm, through the voice-distorter, up the long ladder) Degra! We were afraid we'd never hear from you again.
Degra: It's good to --
Sato: Okay, we've heard enough now. Come to Azati Prime. Your family misses you.
Degra: I've missed them t--
Sato: Whatever. Fake Xindi Name out.
Degra: Well, they respect me about as much as they did three years ago.

Archer: Ready to plot a course?
Degra: I don't know. I'm just so confused about Azati Prime still being intact when it was an obvious place for the insectoids to hit.
Archer: That explains the confusion radiation our sensors are detecting. Anyway, just try to have a little faith. Faith, one might say, of the --
Degra: All right, all right. I'll enter the coordinates.
Archer: Great. So is confusion radiation a particle or a wave?
Degra: Both. It's confusing.

Radiation: Hi. We heard all this talk of radiation and thought we'd drop by.
Tucker: That's fine with m-- wait a minute!
Mayweather: Too late! The simulator's shaking like a 007-approved martini!
Tucker: T'Pol, get us outta this debris field, T'Pronto!
T'Pol: (over the comm) I hate you.

Degra: That was suspicious. We had the turbulence of a lifetime but there was nothing out the window.
Archer: Crazy. Maybe the window's broken.
Degra: (with knife behind back) Say, old buddy old pal, what are my children's names?
Archer: Uh... uh... gimme a minute to, you know, mentally (ahem) look it up in my mind....
Sato: (over the transceiver) What? You want me to look it up? Solve your own problems.
Archer: Uh... uh... the kids have no names! It's a running joke, like the Doctor or Calvin's parents!
Degra: Lucky guess. But I'm still going to kill you.

Tucker: Shoot. Better bust 'im out of the sim. Computer, Alt-F4.
Computer: Close program Sim Shuttle without saving changes?
Tucker: OK.

MACO: Freeze! You're under ar--
Archer: S'okay, boys, I've got him.
MACO: Whoa. I have to say I'm surprised. Lieutenant Reed told us you were a big pansy.
Archer: It's a common misconception about masochists. So don't feel ashamed, Degra.
Degra: Kill! Stab! Maul!
Archer: Yeah, he'll probably be like that for a while.

Degra: I knew it was a trick the moment you started to say "faith of the heart." I'd never befriend a man who would say that.
Archer: Nice of you to give us the coordinates anyway.
Degra: Ha! Those were fake coordinates. Really. I swear.
Archer: Uh oh. I never thought of that. But wait... what if you're lying? How do I know? How can....
Degra: Wow, I can feel the confusion radiation from here.

Sato: Mmm. 2110 was a good year. So, what's your favourite animal?
Mayweather: The killer bee. Why do you ask?
Sato: Because I'm testing the truth serum I slipped into your glass. -- AAAA! Why did I tell you that?
Mayweather: Because of the truth serum I slipped into your glass.
Sato: What the--! Phlox told me he only had one dose!
Phlox: (over the comm) Fortunately, lying about truth serum is easy. And fun.

(CRASH)
Degra: What's going on?
Archer: We're using one of your vortexes... vortices?
Degra: You're crazy! You'll destroy your ship trying!
Archer: We'll see. Come on up to the bridge.
Degra: And it's "vortebrae."

Reed: We've arrived. Detecting lots of eminently fire-on-able Xindi ships and a red sun.
Archer: Red? Shoot, my powers won't work here. Anyway, take us in.
Degra: This... this is impossible!
Archer: And yet here we are. Sucks to be your weapon.
Degra: No, seriously, this is impossible! I entered the coordinates of the Xindi Public Library and Candy Store! Azati Prime is at totally different coordinates!
Archer: Is that so?
Degra: Yes! Watch! (enters coordinates) See? Totally different!
(pause)
Degra: My men are going to kill me, and I don't think I can justify stopping them.

Captain's Starlog: We've wiped all the Xindi's memories and put them back on their ship. Phlox was right -- it IS fun to play God.

Archer: Let's go stop that weapon. Ens-- hey, where's Travis? And Hoshi?
Mayweather: (arriving) Sorry, sir. There was a little incident with truth serum.
Sato: We had to ask each other as many embarrassing questions as possible before it wore off.
Archer: (sigh) I smell Phlox in this.
Mayweather: I can't believe you know my imaginary friend's name now.
Sato: And you know about my Everquest problem. This was important for us, Travis. Now the air is clear, and the way is paved for an open, honest --
T'Pol: If it's not an open, honest BOTH OF YOU SHUTTING UP, I don't want to hear about it.
Archer: Well said, Subcommander, well said.
(Enterprise heads for Azati Prime at Veracious Speed)

THE END

Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
XML Add TrekToday RSS feed to your news reader or My Yahoo!
Also a Desperate Housewives fan? Then visit GetDesperate.com!

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.


Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He can tell lies under truth serum, but only true lies.

You may have missed