February 24 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

The Council

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at May 23, 2004 - 6:46 PM GMT

(Originally an attempt to promote the Save Enterprise campaigns, Enterprise Week now continues as a celebration of the show's renewal. Sorry for the delay.)

Evil Transdimensional Being: The unfavourable timelines are getting stronger, or some such.
Evil Transdimensional Being 2: We must destroy Enterprise.
Evil Transdimensional Being 3: Agreed.
Evil Transdimensional Being: Good. Next item: getting lower-wattage light bulbs for this place.

Phlox: Ah, my favourite test subject. How's the detox coming?
T'Pol: These emotions are giving me a headache.
Phlox: We can't have that. Headaches discourage sex. Here, take an Advil.
T'Pol: OW!
Phlox: Wait, that was an anvil.

Tucker: Is T'Pol okay? I've been worried about her lately.
Phlox: I'm sure you understand that I'm bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, when I want to be.
Tucker: Okay, we'll talk about something else. Like Degra. Man, I hate him.
Phlox: I don't know, I think he's a decent fellow.
Tucker: You kill species.

Degra: Odd. My ears are burning.
Archer: Focus, people. We need as much evidence as possible to convince the Xindi Council. Where could we get some more?
T'Pol: We could search one of the spheres. Perhaps there will be an optolythic data rod containing proof of the sphere-builders' treachery.
Degra: That would be too convenient. My people would think it was a faaaaaaaaaaake.
T'Pol: Well, I want to go there anyway.
Archer: Sounds like a plan. In particular, sounds like a plan that gets your angst off my ship for a while.

Reed: Corporal, do you remember your zero-G combat training?
Hawkins: You're expecting me to say "I remember it made me sick to my stomach," right? Well, ha! I did great in zero-G!
Hawkins: I just volunteered for the mission, didn't I?
Reed: See you at Shuttlepod One.

Evil Transdimensional Being: It's not too late to un-betray us, Degra. We'll even refund your thirty pieces of silver.
Degra: I'm never trusting you again. All you ever do is lie.
Evil Transdimensional Being: Oh yeah? "I am lying."
Degra: That only works on robots.
Degra: And apparently my first officer.

Archer: Hi, Degra. I was just rehearsing my "If the quantum signature fits, you must acquit" chant.
Degra: I hope you realize how difficult the Council will be to persuade.
Archer: Don't worry, I have experience. I've stood before a Klingon tribunal and lost.
Degra: ...This is a good precedent?
Archer: It means I can only improve.

Degra: I should brief you on the other Xindi leaders.
Brief Flashes of the Other Xindi Leaders: Hi.
Degra: That was easy. You should particularly watch out for Dolim, the leader of the reptilians. There's a story... apparently his grandson was born slightly deformed, and....
Archer: And?
Degra: ...and Dolim ate his own grandson's dog.
Archer: That's inhuman!

Dolim: Degra! You brought us the Earthlings to dismantle. How considerate.
Degra: (over the comm) Let us through. Archer is going to speak to the Council.
Dolim: Over your dead body!
Degra: He'd get better acoustics standing on a podium than on a corpse. By the way, WARNING SHOT!
Dolim: Fine, you can go. But remember that threat. There will be a test later.

Mayweather: Approaching the sphere's cloaking field. Hey, wait a sec. Don't these cloaking fields trash ships?
Reed: Don't worry, we took the Trellium-D shuttlepod.
Mayweather: Was that really wise considering --
T'Pol: Zimbabwe! Whether kitchen eats the photocopier or air truck infringes? BANK ERROR IN YOUR FAVOUR!
Reed: Personally, I think it was a great idea.

Archer: Ready to translate for me, Hoshi?
Sato: If I can translate Porthos's diary, I can translate anything.
Archer: How could -- no, I don't think I'm even going to ask. Wish us luck, Trip.
Tucker: Don't you worry, Cap'n. I'll take care of Enterprise like she's my own sister.

Degra: This is where the avian Xindi used to live.
Sato: As seen in the major motion picture Avian Doesn't Live Here Anymore.
Degra: There's not much left now. All they left behind is a sign with one word....
Archer: (squinting) "Unless"?
Degra: Yes... unless. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot --
Archer: Wait, I think I see a bottle too.
Degra: They also left behind some Avian mineral water.

Dolim: Welcome to the Xindi Council, Archer. By all means, make your case.
Archer: Thank you. (ahem) I --
Dolim: I've heard enough! My species will listen to no more of these human lies!
Ant Xindi: <Nor will mine!>
Degra: Get back here, you arrogant nonmammals!
Archer: That could have gone better. What did the insectoid say?
Sato: He asked me for my number.

T'Pol: Here we are. Now to find a way in.
Mayweather: Oo, I know this one! We wedge a smaller ship in the doorway, and along the way, we learn a valuable lesson about what it means to be an engineer.
Hawkins: Remind me, which one of you is being affected by the Trellium-D?
Mayweather: T'Pol. You can tell because she's flying us directly at the sphere.
Hawkins: Ah.
Mayweather and Hawkins: AAAAAAAA!

Sloth Xindi: This is no good. At this rate, the Council will break up.
Human Xindi: Valen did say it eventually would.
Degra: I have an idea. Captain, can I get your doctor to help me prepare some evidence?
Archer: If I can tear him away from whatever he's doing.
Phlox: (over the comm) Training venomous spiders to do my bidding. It can wait.

T'Pol: That bit of the sphere was a hologram.
Reed: Oh.
Hawkins: Whew.
Mayweather: Wait a minute. How did you know?
T'Pol: I had no idea. Incorporated pterodactyl fiber. Muskoxen.

Evil Transdimensional Being: Why did you let Archer into the Council? What if he convinces the other species?
Reptile Xindi: Why are you worried he'll convince them if you are on our side?
Dolim: Er, heh heh. The opinions of my first officer are his alone, and will shortly be no one's. Because I'm going to kill him. In case that wasn't clear enough.
Evil Transdimensional Being: Don't bother. "I am lying."
Dolim: They don't make first officers like they used to.

Degra: See, my people sometimes need visual evidence to convince them.
Phlox: You've come to the right place -- I'm an audiovisual expert. I can take raw camera footage from decon and turn it into a finished product in less time than --
Degra: Just give me your scans of that sphere-builder.
Phlox: Fine, don't avail yourself of my directorial genius. I'll just go back to what I was doing.
Spiders: Hisssss
Phlox: Heheheh. No, I don't want you to kill him, but thanks for the offer.

Degra: Captain Archer said you would help me make some modifications.
Tucker: Okay. Just a minute, I need to borrow a spider from Phlox.
Degra: Will you stop hating me already? I'm doing everything I can to save your world!
Tucker: I'm looking forward to seeing how that brings the seven million people you killed back to life.

T'Pol: There's the memory core. Mr. Mayweather, wait here in the shuttlepod; the rest of us will download it.
Mayweather: I understand. There have to be three of you or it's not a proper First Contact homage.
Hawkins: I love that scene. But I always feel sorry for the minor character who gets killed even though he's likable and has had a speaking part.
Reed: Yeah, me too. Let's go, Mr. Hawk.

Degra: Mr. Tucker was very cooperative except for all the murder attempts. Thank him for me.
Archer: Don't worry about these conflicts -- when I was in the future, I found out that one day humans and Xindi will live together in harmony.
Degra: That's a tall order. Six-part harmony is difficult to arrange.

Archer: You ever get sent to the principal's office?
Sato: Ha! I owned the principal. A little blackmail goes a long way.
Archer: I was sent there once. For sticking a "Kick Me, I'm Vulcan" sign on someone.
Sato: Did anyone actually kick him?
Archer: No, but it was the principal.

Dolim: This is your new evidence?
Archer: No, this is a stress ball. Squeezing it gives my arm something else to do when I'm in a room full of Xindi. The new evidence should be appearing nnnnow.
Council: GASP!
Walrus Xindi: <It's true! You did find a Guardian!>
Ant Xindi: <Impossible! All the Guardians are in Pittsburgh! This is a faaaaaaake!>
Dolim: Now now, let's hear Archer out. (Mwahahaha.)
Archer: What did they say, Hoshi?
Sato: The aquatic said he liked my hair. The insectoid warned him to back off.

Giant Mechanical Arm: YOINK!
Hawkins: GAK!
Reed: Noooo! They got rid of Hawk, girl!
T'Pol: Yes, we all know you didn't like the Justice League season finale. Can we move on?

Degra: Good news! The reptilians have agreed to postpone the launch.
Archer: And we all thought the reptilians were pure evil. Silly us.
Tucker: Am I the only one thinking they might be up to something?
Degra: In this room? Yes.

Giant Mechanical Arm: YOI-- GAK!
Mayweather: Quick, into the shuttlepod! There are five more coming!
T'Pol: Six arms? Are we facing an insect here?
Reed: Bart, we'll do anything! Just call off your giant mechanical ants!

Dolim: Hello. Remember the test I mentioned earlier?
Degra: "Over your dead body?"
Dolim: You pass.
Dolim: Away.

Tucker: I can't believe the Xindi aren't going to launch the weapon. Who do I direct my righteous anger at now?
Phlox: Well, think about the injustices in your life, and who caused them.
Tucker: Hmm... well, there's this whole business with me and T'Pol. That's a lot of angst I didn't need.
Phlox: Maybe you should think of another one.

Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: I'm happy too, boy. Things are finally going our way. In fact, I may even give you some ch--
Unnamed Human Xindi: (over the comm) Captain! Degra is dead!
Archer: No cheese.
Porthos: Grr.

Reed: This makes 23 dead crewmen! I can't stand it!
T'Pol: Losing friends is always painful.
Reed: No, I mean I can't stand that not one of them is Hayes!
T'Pol: (sigh) Or Trip. Although technically....

Dolim: Good news, Council. I killed Degra and I'd do it again. Also, we're taking control of the weapon. And I poisoned all your Cheerios.
Sloth Xindi: This is an outrage! You'll start a civil war!
Dolim: Who doesn't like civil wars?
Walrus Xindi: <You know full well you can't fire the weapon without three species' command codes.>
Dolim: Funny you should mention Hoshi....

Tucker: Wow, I'm actually sorry Degra's dead.
Archer: Me too. He was a good man deep down, and --
Tucker: I wanted to kill him myself.

The Weapon: HELLO!
Archer: Oh no! Quick, find the exhaust port and fire!
Sato: We can't! Reed leaves his console booby-trapped when he's off the -- (WHOOSH)
Archer: Hoshi? Hoshi!
Some Ensign: Sir, the weapon is entering --
Archer: Can't talk. Staring helplessly at Hoshi's chair.

(3 Hours Later)
Some Ensign: I think you can stop now.
Archer: I told you, can't talk.


BONUS! The Top 10 Signs That Your Girlfriend is Hoshi Sato:

  1. She talks baby talk... fluently
  2. She doesn't see what's so funny about the word "polyglot"
  3. She's always murmuring list names, like "831 Fun Things to Do in a 5MV T-Shirt"....or is that some other Hoshi?
  4. She hates Beauty and the Beast
  5. She had them redirect the interstate because she didn't like the direction the cars were going past her window
  6. She's always telling you you don't want to know
  7. She's thoroughly evil -- wait, that's Satan, not Sato
  8. No, actually, that could be Sato too
  9. She's nostalgic for an age yet to come
And the number one sign that your girlfriend is Hoshi Sato....
  1. She screams when you show her the corpses in your closet -- speaking of which, what kind of sicko are you?

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Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for nearly four years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where sci-fi episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. The "Unless" thing is from Dr. Seuss's The Lorax.

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