February 24 2024


An archive of Star Trek News

The Shipment

By Colin 'Zeke' Hayman
Posted at January 5, 2004 - 4:22 AM GMT

See Also: 'The Shipment' Episode Guide

Reptile Xindi: Now it's done? Do you realize how late this is?
Degra: Planet-destroying weapons are very complicated and time-consuming to build. Even the Empire took six years.
Reptile Xindi: Well, at least you're ready now. We will test the weapon on my mother-in-law's planet!
Degra: Umm... actually, we still need one more shipment of kemocite.
Reptile Xindi: Then hurry up and order it. She's coming to visit next week, and I'd rather not have to destroy my planet.

Reed: We've arrived at the Xindi weapons plant.
Archer: Weapons plant? What are you talking about?
Sato: Remember last week, sir? My friendly telepathic stalker gave us the coordinates.
Archer: I don't remember anything like that! Am I... could I be losing my memory?
T'Pol: That would never happen. It's more likely you're just not used to our new serialization policy yet.
Archer: Well, if there is a Xindi weapons plant, we'd better prune it. Mr. Reed, find out which MACO's turn it is today and tell him to join us in the launch bay.
Reed: Aye sir. We should be fine as long as it isn't --

Major Hayes: This'll be a fun mission, don't you think?
Reed: Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!
Archer: Shh, Malcolm. I'm trying to disguise our sensor readings as a meteor's, and it won't work if we don't sound like one.
Hayes: You should have consulted the ship's weatherman. Get it? Meteorology?
Reed: Must... control... rage... wait till... no witnesses....

Archer: They sure have a lot of canisters of this stuff we've never heard of. Let's beam one aboard.
T'Pol: (over the comm) I've talked to you about that habit of yours!
Archer: Oh, calm down. This is just raw material, like Trellium-D. Nice and safe. Besides, how dangerous can it be if it's used in weapons manufacture?
Reed: In my professional opinion, sir: not a bit.
T'Pol: Every day I have a new reason to wonder why I resigned from the Vulcan Science Directorate.

Archer: All right, let's discuss strategy. Clearly we can't just blow the place up yet....
Reed: What? Why?
Hayes: Obviously we need to gather information first. Right, sir?
Archer: Right.
Hayes: Hear that, Reed? I'm right.
Reed: Oh, yes. You're right. You're dead right....

Gralik: Home sweet home. Nothing like coming home after a hard day's -- AAAA!
Archer: Night?
Gralik: I was going to say "work," but I was distracted by the armed aliens in my house.
Archer: Aliens? Where? ...Ohhh, I get it. That's embarrassing. Anyway, hands up.
Hayes: (Pssst... Reed, shouldn't your gun be pointed at the Xindi, not at me?)
Reed: (I like it fine riiight where it is.)

Archer: Where are you sending the weapon materials? Talk!
Gralik: What weapon materials? All we make here is kemocite. It has a million uses.
Archer: Oh yeah? And who are you sending it to?
Gralik: The Xindi Human Genocide Club, mostly. I assume they use it as an air freshener.

Archer: I'm going to keep interrogating Mr. Perceptive here. You two go stand watch in the forest.
Hayes: Oh, I can handle that myself, sir. I'm an excellent outdoorsman.
Reed: What? You couldn't track a skunk on snowshoes.
Hayes: I'll have you know I killed me a bar when I was only three!
Reed: Anyone can drink that much! But I --
Archer: Boys, boys, I'm sure you're both real Davy Cochranes. Just get out there and guard.
Reed: Sorry, sir. We'll stay professional. (First one to catch a rabbit gets to wear the coonskin cap!)
Hayes: (You're on!)

Gralik: I'm reasonably sorry about your planet, but there's no way my kemocite was responsible.
Archer: Oh yeah? Then explain... THIS!
Gralik: A piece of metal?
Archer: Metal from the probe that trashed Earth! See what's written on it?
Gralik: "Made with genuine Sloth Guy kemocite." Oh no! I had no idea!
Archer: Bet you didn't know that reptile Xindi write in green crayon, either.

Tucker: (over the comm) The kemocite in this canister matches our scans of the probe.
Archer: Which was roughly ball-shaped, wasn't it? We should investigate the water polo applications.
Tucker: ...Right. Speakin' of investigating, I just remembered the Xindi rifle we got weeks ago. Can I investigate that?
Archer: As a second priority, I suppose.

Reed: I'd like to congratulate you, sir. Only some number of months into our mission, you've found a key part of the Xindi's plan and thus given me something really big to blow up.
Archer: You already had things to blow up. Just yesterday you blew up a solar system when I forgot to lock your console.
Reed: The more the better. But what will we do about Gralik? We can't leave a witness.
Archer: Well, we can't kill him either. I didn't pay the kill bill last month and they cut me off. By the way, why are you two wearing half a coonskin cap each?
Hayes: We caught the same rabbit.

Phlox: AAAAA! Don't kill me!
Tucker: What? No, I want you to look at this rifle. I think it has biolowhatsical components.
Worm Inside Rifle: You'd better believe it.
Phlox: Ahhh, I see how this works. The worm attracts fish, which enter the gun and are converted to energy for the gun to fire.
Tucker: Brilliant! Why didn't humans ever think of that?

Gralik: I can't believe Degra was making weapons with our kemocite. We Xindi have always been a peaceful race... even our massive thermonuclear interspecies civil war was fought with peacekeeper missiles.
Archer: Is that how your planet got destroyed?
Gralik: And the avian Xindi with it.
Archer: Oh, for Pete's sake. First there's a fourth state of matter, then a fifth Ninja Turtle, and now a sixth Xindi species. When will this sequel madness end?
Gralik: Not before Star Wars: Episode 7, I hope.

T'Pol: (over the comm) Captain, a reptile Xindi ship is approaching.
Archer: Oh no! What do we do? What do we do?
T'Pol: Well, my idea was to ask the captain for orders, but I guess that's out.

Reed: Looks like two reptilians and a humanoid. I'm not sure what they're saying....
Hayes: Pass me the binoculars, I can read lips.
Archer: Really? I guess he's beating you in that category, Malcolm.
Reed: N--no he isn't! I can read lips too. I'll prove it. The lead reptilian is saying... let's see... "I am displeased at the long delay. Please..." er... "brick up the place"?
Archer: Uh huh. Give him the binoculars.

Sloth Employee: What do you mean, sir?
Reptile Xindi:The buildings would look better with brick walls. Start building. And pick up the pace while you're at it.

Phlox: I've been testing radiation on those rifle worms. Delta radiation kills them, while Deltan radiation makes them reproduce like rabbits in decon.
Tucker: I think we'll stick with delta. Did you try antimatter radiation?
Phlox: I was about to, but some red-haired woman showed up with a huge phase pistol-looking thing and demanded I stop.

Reed: Sir! Two Xindi are coming! And I saw them first!
Hayes: Don't believe him, Captain! I did!
Archer: Crazy idea, gentlemen: let's hide first and then debate this.
Reed: You're right, sir. It is a crazy idea.

Gralik: There will be more of them coming. You'd better decide what to do.
Archer: They'll probably bring a key next time... is there anywhere else we could go?
Gralik: We could head out into the forest, but they'll probably send cute little flying robot drones out there after us.
Archer, Reed, and Hayes: Into the forest!

Tucker: Okay, I'm gonna test out the rifle.
T'Pol: Attempting to fire an alien weapon without even consulting the weapons officer is unwise even for --
Tucker: Just bear with me, okay?
T'Pol: Mr. Tucker, I already bare with you more often than I'd like.

Sloth Employee: We can't find Gralik. He probably knows you're going to yell at him.
Reptile Xindi: We don't have time for this. Release the cute little flying robot drones!
Degra: They might sound more intimidating if we gave them a cool name like "seekers." Something Star Warsy.
Reptile Xindi: What is it with you other Xindi species and Star Wars?

Hayes: The drones are still pursuing!
Archer: Blast! How do they keep finding -- wait, what's that music?
Reed: Oh, that's my new theme song. I decided a legendary woodsman like myself ought to have one.
Theme Song: Malcolm Reed was a man... Yes, a biiiiig man....
Gralik: That would explain it. Our cute little flying robot drones have audio sensors.
Archer: And they're coming towards that song? Why couldn't they have been programmed with some taste?

Gralik: We'll be safe in this cave for now.
Archer: Good. Then Mr. Reed and I have time to discuss his aim.
Reed: I just couldn't bring myself to shoot down those cute drones, sir.
Archer: (sigh) Right. Mr. Hayes, you're on watch. Malcolm, you stay here and picture yourself killing Bambi until you get used to it.

Tucker: Three... two... one... fire!
Worm Inside Rifle: Hmm let's see no. Initiating overload.
Tucker: Oops. Um, T'Pol, which way to the transporter?
T'Pol: Wouldn't it be simpler if I put a force field around you to contain the explosion?
Tucker: Gee, somehow I don't like that idea.
Phlox: Now now, Mr. Tucker, I think it has some merit....

Archer: I have a plan to get us out of this mess, but we'll need your help.
Gralik: Then you'll trust me after all?
Archer: More than I trust the Dueling Machos to guard us.

Archer: ...and that's the plan.
T'Pol: (over the comm) While I am impressed that you came up with something more complicated than a road sign unassisted, do you realize that this plan involves neither destroying the compound nor killing anyone?
Archer: What are you getting at?
T'Pol: Have you explained the plan to Mr. Reed?
Archer: Whoa! Good point. I'd better add another step where he gets to shoot at spotted owls or something.

Sloth Employee: Where were you? The reptilians are really mad.
Gralik: I'm not responsible for their sanity. Listen, we need to run test 3J on this shipment again.
Sloth Employee: The filibusteron sweep? If you say so.

Sato: The tracking device for the canister is in place.
T'Pol: Good. Beam it down.
Sato: Are you sure we can't keep it? I know it's just a canister, but we've grown really close since we started working together.
T'Pol: You knew you weren't supposed to get attached.
Sato: Well, you should at least look it in the eye before you send it back to those awful Xindi!
T'Pol: We don't have time for that. But if you want to, you can hold its hand while it's being transported....

Reptile Xindi: What do you mean the tests aren't done yet? I WILL DROWN YOU IN MY OWN BLOOD!
Gralik: It's because you put so many employees on brick-building duty! And -- hey, wait. Your own blood?
Reptile Xindi: Yes.
Gralik: Wouldn't that hurt? A lot?
Reptile Xindi: Yes, but I wouldn't be the one drowning, would I?

Archer: There's the canister. I'll go slip it aboard the Xindi ship.
Hayes: Remind me again why we couldn't beam it directly there?
Archer: Heheh. You young MACOs and your questions.

Gralik: Well, your shipment's ready to go. What are you going to use it for, anyway?
Reptile Xindi: Air fresheners. Which we will throw at a hostile alien race.
Gralik: Ah. That's good to -- HOLY SHRAP! Look over there! It's not a human sneaking off your ship!
Degra: By golly, he's right!
Reptile Xindi: Indeed he is. I am impressed.

Reed: It does not! You just can't read his handwriting!
Hayes: It does so and you know it!
Archer: I'm back. What's going on, you two?
Reed: We're arguing about whether Step 4 of the plan says "Reed kills Hayes" or "Hayes kills Reed."
Archer: It says "Reptile Xindi ship leaves orbit."
Hayes: Easily misread.

T'Pol: The ship has departed, Captain.
Sato: (sob) Farewell... sweet canister....
Archer: (over the comm) Good. Well done, team. By the way, where did you hide the ship?
T'Pol: In Daniels' quarters. It's amazing what fits in there.

Archer: Hate to say it, but we've lost the tracking signal. So this was all pretty much for nothing. Sorry.
Gralik: Actually, Captain, I'm glad. It's a great relief that I didn't betray my people to help competent hostile aliens.
Archer: Well, goodbye, and thanks again. You've taught us that not all Xindi are evil.
Gralik: And you've taught me that some theme songs are.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


Discuss this reviews at Trek BBS!
XML Add TrekToday RSS feed to your news reader or My Yahoo!
Also a Desperate Housewives fan? Then visit GetDesperate.com!

Find more episode info in the Episode Guide.

Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over three years now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He's going to try to be way briefer than this next time.

You may have missed